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I'm sorry for wasting your time
It's like I did a hurtful crime
I cry at night
Because youre out of my sight
You see a lonely tree with a body hanging from a rope
Later on you hear a song
It's one you havent heard for so long
You go back hoping it was a nightmare, looking for me
You stare at my house
You see my favorite animal, a tiny mouse
You look around, trying to find me
But all you can see, is the small, lonely tree
Under that tree, you see a tombstone
Nothing else than that, except a bone
Written on it is my name
You read alyssa and you feel the shame
Tears appear and roll off your cheeks
And the tiny mouse runs away and squeaks
You fall to your knees, and take your toll
You remember that you hadnt talked to me for such a long time and acted like you had no feelings, or a soul,
This moment seems like something youd in a book, picture, movie or scroll,
And you finally realize that you had a heart of coal.
Credit to Discagal9 for certain lines. |
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Please tell me what you think |
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that is really good! spooky too! maybe a bit too deep! |
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RoboRubenJoin Date: 2009-11-22
Post Count: 4630 |
the problem here is that you're writing meaningful words and then writing lame words to rhyme with them
you have to find words that rhyme, but are both equal contributions to the work
~you better have burn heal~ |
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portiazJoin Date: 2012-01-15
Post Count: 955 |
I enjoyed this, you have a fine knack for poetry my dear. |
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mageofpowerTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2009-02-01
Post Count: 43654 |
the problem here is that you're writing meaningful words and then writing lame words to rhyme with them
you have to find words that rhyme, but are both equal contributions to the work
Pretty much this. |
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MorphekJoin Date: 2012-08-14
Post Count: 139 |
Intresting, I'm sorry. I just have so much to do Alyss. |
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AznIsBackJoin Date: 2006-07-23
Post Count: 19111 |
Excellent! |
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fathat121Join Date: 2009-12-26
Post Count: 1926 |
Overall, the perspective is still well-thought, yet the rhythm continues to appear a bit degenerated. I feel that balancing out syllabication is vital in the terms of writing a poem that rhymes. Still, this looks much more evenly polished compared to your first drafting. Keep it up. |
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Great poem.
Glad you got a little bit out of writers block. |
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What Rubo said. You need to find words that rhyme with the last word of the last line, but just as "meaningful"
You feel me |
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This is... Wow.
A good wow, I mean. |
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Ye, nut lik dem bad wow's, sty awa frm dem bad wow's |
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Had to correct a line
I'm sorry for wasting your time
It's like I did a hurtful crime
I cry at night
Because youre out of my sight
You see a lonely tree with a body hanging from a rope
Later on you hear a song
It's one you havent heard for so long
You go back hoping it was a nightmare, looking for me
You stare at my house
You see my favorite animal, a tiny mouse
You look around, trying to find me
But all you can see, is the small, lonely tree
Under that tree, you see a tombstone
Nothing else than that, except a bone
Written on it is my name
You read alyssa and you feel the shame
Tears appear and roll off your cheeks
And the tiny mouse runs away and squeaks
You fall to your knees, and take your toll
You remember that you hadnt talked to me for such a long time and acted like you had no feelings, or a soul,
This moment seems like something youd see in a book, picture, movie or scroll,
And you finally realize that you had a heart of coal.
Credit to Discagal9 for certain lines. |
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MorphekJoin Date: 2012-08-14
Post Count: 139 |
the problem here is that you're writing meaningful words and then writing lame words to rhyme with them
you have to find words that rhyme, but are both equal contributions to the work |
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You sound like Miphis, are you sure you're his sister. |
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KisilaJoin Date: 2010-07-01
Post Count: 3452 |
omg a bunch of old mtvbers randomly posted on this forum
clapclapclap |
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Kisila I didn't even mean for Miphis' "sister" to write on the forum. |
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rose6666Join Date: 2011-06-19
Post Count: 6541 |
the problem here is that you're writing meaningful words and then writing lame words to rhyme with them
you have to find words that rhyme, but are both equal contributions to the work x5
Not every line has to rhyme either. I personally prefer poems that don't rhyme or barely rhyme. |
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I'm only good at rhyming poems. |
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MorphekJoin Date: 2012-08-14
Post Count: 139 |
So you say |
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