TortianJoin Date: 2012-10-21
Post Count: 14 |
I started to write this story a few weeks ago, in a journal, But I figured it'd be easier to put it online just incase.
(No Title Yet)
As you started walking home you heard a gun shot, and a scream. So then you started to run home.
~Prologue~
17 Years old, tall and skinny, Melisha Broalth. Tomboy, and life dream - to be a detective. Also known as you. You're very observant but you always miss the one thing you're looking for. One cool, wet, rainy day you woke up thinking about what the day was going to be like. You'd expect it to be calm, sunny day. But obviously it's no. Your birthday, might just be the worse day of your life. In this case it had just started; as your alarm clock went off. You wake up to a loud buzz and turn the alarm off as quickly as possible - hoping to sleep in. Unluckily your mom walks in second later to check if your awake, she hands you a tray with eggs, Toast, bacon, and some Orange juice. "Happy birth-day" your mom says, and you simply reply "Thanks mom." So you take a sip of your milk, and just watch your eggs move slightly at the smallest nudge. As you watch your mom go out of your room, you jump up looking for your best clothes, and brushing your hair. Once you find them you put them on, put your hair in a beautiful top bun, and sit down on your bed, watching 'CSI New York' as you finish your breakfast. Once you're done you run out of your room to the bathroom, getting ready to put your makeup on. So first you wash your face, or atleast you try to. Your house had a clogged pipe, so you have to just put on your makeup. So you pack up your bookbag, and head out. Hoping you still look beautiful. This is the day you were going to impress him, the guy you liked. David Hudson.
|
|
TortianJoin Date: 2012-10-21
Post Count: 14 |
Sorry - that was just a prologue, I will be finishing it, but it's in second person - so it's harder to make it. Hope you like it. c: |
|
H4RDKEYJoin Date: 2013-06-22
Post Count: 71 |
Heres a story, 15 Year old Girl in highschool picked on for how she is. Not able to walk anymore after a accident and Tries everyday through bullying and losing her head to insanity. Lives a life for the best of her ability as a hero not a sin. (basically a story about me.) |
|
RetrionJoin Date: 2012-11-23
Post Count: 8332 |
Good, but I'm no girl. :P |
|
RetrionJoin Date: 2012-11-23
Post Count: 8332 |
Add me into the storyline. "Cerulix" Strange person from another galaxy who likes knives and ripping people apart lol |
|
wolftylaJoin Date: 2013-08-11
Post Count: 233 |
This story does NOT have good writing. I would also change the format and then rewrite the story with more important details. Also work on the wording.
the storyline is also not very appealing as it is overused (high school love story).
btw don't think i'm flaming you |
|
mageofpowerTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2009-02-01
Post Count: 43654 |
Please don't try and act like the protagonist is the same person as the one reading the book. Especially when this effect falls completely short thanks to the fact the characters actions aren't anything like we'd actually do. I gave up on the thing when you mentioned "putting on makeup." |
|
TortianJoin Date: 2012-10-21
Post Count: 14 |
Middle school sweetie, and this isn't even the prolouge |
|
TortianJoin Date: 2012-10-21
Post Count: 14 |
(Met to be 14, I kinda forgot the age as I wrote it before) As you ran out the door you waited at the bus stop. And your bus never came. You sat there in the rain, spam texting your mom to pick you up. But of course, she's busy doing other things. You start to think how this is everyone's life on their birthday. Wanting to meet the man, not caring about anything else. So you decide to change that factor, and make your birthday something different. Since you realize you can't go to school, you're fine with being absent. Even tho you're the 'Teachers pet' You run on home excited to get back in bed. You realize, 'Oh who gives a f*** about David Hudson? Seriously.' You imminently mess up your hair and rub your all around your face, making you look like a horror character. You lie down, turn 'CSI New York' Back on, on the one episode... Where Mac dies. As you sleep you dream, like anyone else. Well, lets change that. As you sleep, you have a night mare. Where anything can happen. |
|
mageofpowerTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2009-02-01
Post Count: 43654 |
No. Seriously, please rewrite this and replace the word "You" with "She, or (Insert generic protagonist name here.) This effect only works in about 1 out of 1000 novels, and it has to be under very specific circumstances. |
|
TortianJoin Date: 2012-10-21
Post Count: 14 |
Mage, I'm trying to write a book w/ 2nd POV. Don't like, why are you even reading? Even commenting. I don't need your hate. |
|
mageofpowerTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2009-02-01
Post Count: 43654 |
I'm commenting because this doesn't work. At all. The story would be much better if you just wrote it from the first or third perspective. How hard would that be?
Also, if you publish stories online you're going to get hate. Don't shut down and cry that you "don't need my hate." Heck this isn't even hate. It's constructive criticism. There's a difference. |
|
ConstruxJoin Date: 2011-11-19
Post Count: 1039 |
>This isn't even the prologue
What is it then?
>I don't need the hate
If you have ever been on a forum before, you will know there is hate on the Internet that you WILL receive. Everything Mage is saying is, by his standards, very tactful and helpful. He's not telling you to jump off a bridge, he's telling you to change the POV.
Overall, your story has potential, but it has one flaw: arrogance. You think that everyone will just love your story and that anyone who says it's bad is a hater. Change your attitude and you may see results. |
|