shaunbroJoin Date: 2009-02-20
Post Count: 344 |
I might be making a book called 'War Child' it is terrible right now, since i only have had 20 mins on it.
wrong forum you think? there isnt a forum for books, and this is the closest one I could find
No. This is NOT roleplaying. so dont link me there. OR ALSE
Title: War Child
Smaller sub title:Your not Too Young To die
Image:Kid with Blood all over his face,Made by me, text: Your not too young too die + War Child |
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shaunbroJoin Date: 2009-02-20
Post Count: 344 |
oh wait heres the Summary for the Story
"Ashma is a Boy who has a happy family but unfortunately he doesn't know what going to come for him. One Day he hears a knock at his door He goes to awnser the door and there was two Men dressed in Camo and little kids behind them.Ashma saw the two men they both had guns on there back and a knife on his belt. Ashma quickly ran up the stairs of his house and went to his room. He hid underneath the bed and he heard footsteps on the floor beside him. The men went and flipped over the Bed and found Ashma lying on the floor. This was not going to be good. He got tooken to this camp and this was not going to be good. He thought this day was going to be his Worst day of his life....But the men said "your going to stay here for an year" the other man said "if youll make it out alive" Now ashma thought this gonna be a hard time a really hard time...." |
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shaunbroJoin Date: 2009-02-20
Post Count: 344 |
Chapter one Title: June 2nd 1967
'Ashma is a Boy who has a happy family but unfortunately he doesn't know what going to come for him. One Day he hears a knock at his door He goes to answer the door and there was two Men dressed in Camo and little kids behind them.Ashma saw the two men they both had guns on there back and a knife on his belt. Ashma quickly ran up the stairs of his house and went to his room. He hid underneath the bed and he heard footsteps on the floor beside him. The men went and flipped over the Bed and found Ashma lying on the floor. This was not going to be good. He got tooken to this camp and this was not going to be good. He thought this day was going to be his Worst day of his life....But the men said "your going to stay here for an year" the other man said "if you'll make it out alive" Now ashma thought this gonna be a hard time a really hard time,.... He Found some pebole looking weird at him just because he was black the only black person there. They were calling him names and all sort of stuff it wasn't Fare that every one was looking at him and not that nerd over there he was so scared that he almost wetted him self. But when the Sargent came up he went to his line and said "Reporting for Duty Sir" the Sargent said "Were not in the girl scouts anymore Shapen up" Ashma thought this was going to be harder than he ever thought.'
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Nice..why not make a movie of it aswell?...since u ar in the "User Created Media" section (i made it a book as well forum..it wont catch on but....) |
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(get it cause its "user created media" that covers songs, books and movies!) |
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shaunbroJoin Date: 2009-02-20
Post Count: 344 |
what dat? |
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shaunbroJoin Date: 2009-02-20
Post Count: 344 |
Oh and Guys this is True it happening in Real life in Uk |
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empnzJoin Date: 2008-09-04
Post Count: 1903 |
ok describe more, like describe him running from the men into his room, describe the beginning more, tell wat his parents were told, describe the journey, and so on and so on. Also ull need better grammar |
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shaunbroJoin Date: 2009-02-20
Post Count: 344 |
'Ashma is a Boy who has a happy family but unfortunately he doesn't know what going to come for him. One Day he hears a knock at his door He goes to answer the door and there was two Men dressed in Camo and little kids behind them.Ashma saw the two men they both had guns on there back and a knife on his belt. Ashma quickly ran up the stairs of his house but when he was running he got grabbed by the men and pulled down Ashma quickly kicked the man in the face and ran up went to his room. He hid underneath the bed and he heard footsteps on the floor beside him. The men went and flipped over the Bed and found Ashma lying on the floor. This was not going to be good. He woke up the next day he was feeling a bit dizzy after getting hit with somthing across his head he found that he was tooken to this camp and this was not going to be good. He thought this day was going to be his Worst day of his life....But the men said "your going to stay here for an year" the other man said "if you'll make it out alive" Now ashma thought this gonna be a hard time a really hard time,.... He Found some pebole looking weird at him just because he was black the only black person there. They were calling him names and all sort of stuff it wasn't Fare that every one was looking at him and not that nerd over there he was so scared that he almost wetted him self. But when the Sargent came up he went to his line and said "Reporting for Duty Sir" the Sargent said "Were not in the girl scouts anymore Shapen up" Ashma thought this was going to be harder than he ever thought.' |
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shaunbroJoin Date: 2009-02-20
Post Count: 344 |
how about dat? |
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empnzJoin Date: 2008-09-04
Post Count: 1903 |
ya thats better, now just do better grammar as u go along :P |
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shaunbroJoin Date: 2009-02-20
Post Count: 344 |
i forgot what is Grammer? |
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empnzJoin Date: 2008-09-04
Post Count: 1903 |
uhm... r u from a different country? grammar is like "Your a noob." rather than "you a noob" |
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shaunbroJoin Date: 2009-02-20
Post Count: 344 |
im from Uk |
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empnzJoin Date: 2008-09-04
Post Count: 1903 |
uhm... r u below the age of 10? cus even in UK ppl should probly kno bout grammar, i lived in UK for awhile. |
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shaunbroJoin Date: 2009-02-20
Post Count: 344 |
i know what it is but i forgot! ges >_> |
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You should probably put paragraphs in there, and the grammar needs a bit of work. Instead of using commas you have put full stops, which means the person will be making a lot of breaths in between. You need some more detail, not much, in there.
Apart from that, good job! |
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empnzJoin Date: 2008-09-04
Post Count: 1903 |
lol dizzy thats basically wat i said :P Anyways dude your story is good just needs wat dizyy said. Mabye you could be the next J.K.Rowling! |
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nocorecoJoin Date: 2008-08-08
Post Count: 166 |
@agemo4 If you are telling him about better Grammar, when why don't you do it too? Good grammar isnt "Wat" and "Mabye". |
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empnzJoin Date: 2008-09-04
Post Count: 1903 |
I always use bad grammar on forums less its important :P if hes guna make a book he needs good grammar man. |
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Hey guys,
I fixed the Grammer up a bit
here it is ;)
Ashma is a Boy who has a happy family, but unfortunately he doesn't know what going to come for him. One day, he hears a knock at his door. He goes to answer the door and there was two men dressed in Camo, and little kids behind them.Ashma saw the two men. They both had guns on their backs and a knife on their belt. Ashma quickly ran up the stairs of his house, but when he was running he got grabbed by the men and pulled down. Ashma quickly kicked the man in the face, and ran up went to his room. He hid underneath the bed and he heard footsteps on the floor beside him. The men went and flipped over the bed and found Ashma lying on the floor. This was not going to be good. He woke up the next day and he was feeling a bit dizzy after getting hit with somthing across his head. He found that he was taken to this camp and this was not going to be good. He thought this day was going to be his worst day of his life....But the men said, "Your going to stay here for a year" the other man said, "If you'll make it out alive" Now Ashma thought this gonna be a hard time a really hard time,.... He Found some people looking weird at him just because he was black, the only black person there. They were calling him names and all sort of stuff. It wasn't fair that every one was looking at him and not that nerd over there. He was so scared that he almost wetted him self. But when the Sargent came up he went to his line and said "Reporting for Duty Sir." The Sargent said "Were not in the Girl Scouts anymore! Shapen up!" Ashma thought this was going to be harder than he ever thought...
How's that?
I hope it helped!
~--aab1234567890--~ |
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Still wrong grammar in there. Also, people speaking goes on separate lines. |
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empnzJoin Date: 2008-09-04
Post Count: 1903 |
You keep repeating "This is not going to be good" it sounds wierd to me and it probly sounds weird to some other ppl too =/ |
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bub166Join Date: 2007-04-09
Post Count: 1414 |
Sounds like Boy at War, but in the Vietnam War. I like it! |
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