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I'm creating a new roleplay and I would like all of you to contribute as I don't want this roleplay to end badly.
Title: Wishing Well
Plot:
It was the start of the new life on Earth when an alien pod crashed into a poor farmers barn. A human-like man with a tail stepped out of his pod with a mission to exterminate all life forms. However, he knew of the evils that his kind have done and what they would to to Earth so he decided to preserve the planet. The alien had many abilities that normal humans did not have, such as Ki control, unnatural speed, immense power, and a long lifespan meaning that whatever may try to destroy Earth, he would be enough to destroy it.
As we skim the pages, we learn that this alien's race is called "Sujins", met a wife and had kids whom had more kids who also, had more kids creating a civilization of Sujins. As they were half-humans, however, they had half the power, speed, and chi control of the original Sujin. This was changed when he created a wishing well that would grant any wish that was asked of it. The original Sujin (which, by the way, shall now be called Duko) however, decided that the power was too great and changed the system so that once a wish has been made, it would erupt into flames and reappear at a different location after 1 year. The others did not like this so they ignorantly ganged up on Duko, killing him in the process. |
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I think that your story sounds awesome! I am really intrigued by it. I think you should make more.
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PruzJoin Date: 2009-11-11
Post Count: 31781 |
A human-like man with a tail
I love it. |
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Yep... Too much DB is good for your brain. |
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Z0rr0wJoin Date: 2008-07-06
Post Count: 14027 |
This is a joke right? |
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Instead of asking if it's a joke, I would like some insight into what the problem is... Let me also note that this isn't finished yet and I'm still working on the product. |
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Z0rr0wJoin Date: 2008-07-06
Post Count: 14027 |
It was an honest question, actually. I'll assume it's not a joke.
I say things are rip-offs of other things all the time. But this is just a complete and utter rip-off of Dragon Ball. The starting sentences are a literal description of a scene in Dragon Ball. The Sujins are Saiyans, they even have the same Japanese phonetics. The wishing well is exactly like the dragon balls, except there's only one and it's less of a hassle. You even have Ki, I think. You call it chi later on and I don't know what to believe. If you want to make a Dragon Ball RP, then make a Dragon Ball RP instead of trying to hide the fact that you're making a Dragon Ball RP. Either that or be original. |
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Yes, it does seem like it. However, like I said. It's nowhere close to finished. I made this in 5-8 minutes and based it off of DB. I do intend to add more as time goes on, believe me. Some things are ripped off and they will be edited. |
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Z0rr0wJoin Date: 2008-07-06
Post Count: 14027 |
>Some things.
That's an understatement. Here's what you do.
1. Get rid of the first paragraph.
2. Create a new alien race that isn't based off of any Dragon Ball race.
3. Change the way the Wishing Well works so it's not literally the dragon balls.
Besides that, this is still poorly written. There's a lot of weird plot hole-y things. The main one being in the last sentence where it says "The others did not like this so they ignorantly ganged up on Duko, killing him in the process." Who are "the others?" You don't mention any characters besides Goku. There's also the strange sentence structure of "The original Sujin (which, by the way, shall now be called Duko)." You don't need to use parenthesis and eight words to tell me a guy's name. Just write "The original Sujin, Goku, was a swell guy." You only need one word to tell me a character's name, and that one word /is/ the character's name.
Do those first three things to fix what you've ripped off, work on the actual writing part of writing (that is, using the right sentence structure and words to get your point across), and don't rip off Dragon Ball anymore. |
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Alright. Now that's the feedback I was looking for... |
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Earth as we know it has been changed. Ever since an alien race who called theirselves the "Desutorojin" landed on Earth, the death rate increased for humans as they took control of cities, towns, and eventually countries. All was not lost, however as at the same time this has been happening, a group of highly spiritual humans decided to create what's called "The Wishing Well". It would grant them any wish they wanted, so long as it did not include bringing back the dead and killing the innocent.
The members of the spiritual group finally decided to wish that all the Desutorojin whom were attacking their world to be exterminated. Out of the blue, all of the Desutorojin vanished from the face of the Earth and the death rate dropped immensely. However, a single Desutorojin survived. He was locked, chained, and left to die in their space ship. His company was a single mouse nibbling on his shoes, his food source were the bugs and flies that found their way near his head, his water came from the streams that came from his eyes and body. That is, however, until a bold lady came and found him.
Better? |
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Z0rr0wJoin Date: 2008-07-06
Post Count: 14027 |
Shorten the name of Desutorojin to just Rojin. Four syllable race-names don't flow off the tongue very well. Or, if you want to be a weeaboo and give the alien race's name a meaning, you could refer to them as the Warujin (evil people).
Besides that, I still have no clue where this RP is going. If the primary antagonists, the aliens, have all died, then what are we trying to accomplish? |
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The name actually is pretty long, but it did have a meaning. Anyways, I haven't gotten to that part yet. I've just finished introducing the characters and how the wishig well came to be. I do think that this whole thing shouldn't have taken 2 paragraphs and I plan on making it smaller and detailed, but it's late at night for me and I have school tomorrow so not tonight. |
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Z0rr0wJoin Date: 2008-07-06
Post Count: 14027 |
It doesn't need to be any shorter than it already is, though more info about the alien race is needed, preferably to be placed in the first paragraph. |
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Before I go to school, here's a quick update that I worked on after I woke up.
Earth as we know it has been changed. Ever since an alien race who called theirselves the "Torojin" landed on Earth. Their evil glares frightened the mightiest animal on Earth, their bodies shaped and looked like humans making them blend in well, and their strength was incredible. Their plan was to claim planet Earth for themselves, and so the death rate increased for humans as they took control of cities, towns, and eventually countries. All was not lost, however as at the same time this has been happening, a group of highly spiritual humans decided to create what's called "The Wishing Well". It would grant them any wish they wanted, so long as it did not include bringing back the dead and killing the innocent.
The members of the spiritual group finally decided to wish that all the Torojin whom were attacking their world to be exterminated. Out of the blue, all of the Torojin vanished from the face of the Earth and the death rate dropped immensely. However, a single Torojin survived. He was locked, chained, and left to die in their space ship. His company was a single mouse nibbling on his shoes, his food source were the bugs and flies that found their way near his head, his water came from the streams that came from his eyes and body. That is, until a group of construction workers began to destroy all traces of the ship. As they began to strip it down, they found the Torojin, Bladd, who looked sickly and grim. He was thought to be a human who was captured so they took him in.
Years after the attack, the brown haired Bladd pretended to be one of the humans. He met his wife at the hospital who was taking care of him and they had kids. Then, their kids had more kids. The world now held a community of Half-Torojins. |
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Earth as we know it has been changed. Ever since an alien race who called theirselves the "Torojin" landed on Earth. Their evil glares frightened the mightiest animal on Earth, their bodies shaped and looked like humans making them blend in well, and their strength was incredible. Their plan was to claim planet Earth for themselves, and so the death rate increased for humans as they took control of cities, towns, and eventually countries. All was not lost, however as at the same time this has been happening, a group of highly spiritual humans decided to create what's called "The Wishing Well". It would grant them any wish they wanted, so long as it did not include bringing back the dead and killing the innocent.
The members of the spiritual group finally decided to wish that all the Torojin whom were attacking their world to be exterminated. Out of the blue, all of the Torojin vanished from the face of the Earth and the death rate dropped immensely. However, a single Torojin survived. He was locked, chained, and left to die in their space ship. His company was a single mouse nibbling on his shoes, his food source were the bugs and flies that found their way near his head, his water came from the streams that came from his eyes and body. That is, until a group of construction workers began to destroy all traces of the ship. As they began to strip it down, they found the Torojin, Bladd, who looked sickly and grim. He was thought to be a human who was captured so they took him in.
Years after the attack, the brown haired Bladd pretended to be one of the humans. He met his wife at the hospital who was taking care of him and they had kids. Then, their kids had more kids. The world now held a community of Half-Torojins.
The world was at peace once more. The Half-Torojins blended in with the humans but they didn't know, most of the humans forgot about the wrath of the Torojins, and everything was swell. However, a being of incredible strength was about to make his move on Earth. To find and exterminate all lifeforms.
I think I have pretty much everything I need to explain. I'd like feedback please. |
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