Z0rr0wJoin Date: 2008-07-06
Post Count: 14027 |
"...to the show. I'd like to start by getting to know you, and that should start from the beginning of your life. The first people you meet are your parents. What is your relationship with them like?"
"Well, my mom died during childbirth, and I think my dad always blamed me for that, maybe rightfully so or maybe not. He didn't actually want to have me, but my mother was Catholic and refused to terminate. But, anyway, he was always a very angry person when he was sober, especially towards me. And, uh, when he was drunk, he just got very depressed and would keep drinking until he passed out on the chair in the living room. I never knew what he might do whenever he came home. I used to hide in my room when I heard the garage door open and heard his pickup truck park inside. I don't have any happy memories of him. Actually, I can't even remember ever seeing my dad happy. I don't think he's ever been happy or ever smiled."
"What about you? Are you happy?"
"I'd say that I'm-"
I shut the television off before my ears were subjected to a man with a bad haircut answering a complex question without even thinking about it for more than a second. I don't know why I had that stupid show on. I must've fallen asleep without switching off the television. Seems like I always do that. I hate being in silence, I can never sleep without some kind of noise. Quiet forces me alone with my thoughts. I got out of my empty bed, knowing that any more time under the sheets would result in them being soaked in tears. I pulled my little black book out from my nightstand's drawer and flipped to the back, to a page titled "Things I Would Do If I Had a Girlfriend." I wrote "wake up in bed next to her and smile" beneath my latest entry.
I flipped back a few pages to the dream journal area of my book. I read somewhere that recording your dreams in writing can help you lucid dream. I was interested in that sort of thing because I thought that if I couldn't be happy in my waking moments, I could at least be happy in the fantasy realm that exists in the back of my eyelids. Does that sound pathetic to you? If you said "no," you should learn to be more honest, especially towards people like me that don't deserve the bliss of a sweet lie made, not out of malice, but of a wanting to preserve another's feelings. I wrote down that I dreamed about being a younger kid on a playground, then closed the book as I headed off to the bathroom. I wet my face, then stepped into the shower to wash the tears off.
I got dried then dressed, making sure to not look at the mirror in the process. I never felt good about my body. Too skinny, too short, too weak. Once I had covered my curse up with a shirt, pants, and shoes, I left my mother's house and muttered a goodbye on the way out. The sun didn't want to shine on me as I walked from the driveway to the sidewalk. I thought about having breakfast at the nearby coffee shop, but my appetite wasn't present at that moment. I always had to force myself to eat when the lunch bell at school rang, just to make sure I don't wither away before I have a chance to write a will. I should write one soon, just in case. I'll have all my belongings set to be given to charity. There's no one close to me who would want a reminder of a worthless kid among their belongings.
All my days, hours, and minutes blend together. I don't know how much time passed between me leaving the house and me reaching the school. I couldn't hazard a guess if my life depended on it. The stakes wouldn't be so high in that situation anyway. I walked past a few parked sports cars bought by parents' money. I thought about the moonlit trysts that must happen in those cars between young lovers after a night at the movies or at prom. I thought about how I'd probably never experience a romantic relationship in high school. I thought about how maybe I'll get a girlfriend in college. College girls are a bit more mature anyway.
I went through my classes, with my lips being sealed shut through the first three. The bell signalling the end of third hour rang and I got up, throwing one strap of my bag over my shoulder and walking off to my fourth class. I took my seat and spent a few moments in quiet until a friend spoke up from behind me.
"Hey, did you see the new Daniel Day-Lewis movie?" he asked.
"No, not yet."
"I went to see it with Carson and the others. It was really good. You should've gone with us."
"You should've invited me."
"Oh, yeah, well maybe next time."
That was the end of the conversation. I only considered him a friend because he sat with me at lunch to talk to me. He never hung out with me outside of school. He was probably embarrassed of me and felt ashamed to be around me. I don't blame him.
Someone else stepped into class who caught my attention. A pretty girl, and notice how shallow I am to mention her positive physical appearance before anything else. She sat in the seat to my right. We all had assigned seats, but I remember we got to choose what seats we wanted to spend the semester in. I tried to recall that event, tried to recall why she chose that seat. She didn't have any friends around her there. She looked over at me and smiled as she pushed a bothersome strand of brown hair from her face.
"Hey," she said, "how are you?"
"Oh, I'm fine," I lied.
"That's good," she said, resting her chin on her hand, her fingers lightly placed on her right cheek, "God, I hope we're not doing anything in this class. Mrs. Primeaux gave us so much homework. Do you have her?"
I shook my head as I said "no."
"Oh, that's too bad. If you did, we could share answers."
"You'd probably do most of the work. I'm not good at math."
"Hah, hey, I'm not selfish. I wouldn't mind doing your homework for you," she said with a kind smile. The teacher came in soon after, announced that he was going to be busy grading tests and that we should find something to do quietly. The girl next to me quickly set out on the task of finishing her homework. I read a book about a miserable boy in a miserable world until the bell rang.
I walked to my next class with the friend that was previously sat behind me. We had two classes in a row together and so did that pretty girl. She took a shortcut to the next class though, away from us. It was during this daily commute that I talked about some of my problems to this friend. He rarely answered me with anything helpful. He never took my problems seriously either, but he was the only person in the world who would at least listen.
"I want to ask that girl out," I told him.
"Which one?"
"The one that sits to my right."
"Oh, she seems nice."
"I don't think she'd ever go out with me though, so I shouldn't bother. She probably has a crush on another guy anyway."
"It wouldn't hurt to just try to ask her out."
"Yes it would. When I actually hear her reject me, it'd hurt. I don't think I'd be able to handle it. I think I'd crack and just die."
"Oh, well..." he started as though leading into something. Nothing came out of his mouth and we arrived at our next class in silence. The girl was already there. She sat to my left here. She looked at me and smiled before class started. Just seeing her smile made me hopeful. I decided I'd try to ask her out after this class.
The class felt like it dragged on for longer than usual. Eventually, however, the bell did ring. The girl hurried excitedly out of class, and I got up quickly in response, walking quickly out of the class. I darted my head around in search of her. I saw her. I saw her in the arms of a red-headed boy, her head half-buried in his chest. Just seeing her smile made me die inside. I sat in silence at lunch after that, then mindlessly ambled through the rest of my classes until the day was done. I returned home and threw myself onto my bed. I wanted to sleep forever.
"...for many reasons, I'm sure. What's the main reason you're on my show right now though? Why did you decide to come talk to me today?"
"I just... I don't really have any friends, I don't have anyone I can talk to about my problems or anything. I watch your show every day at home, and a lot of the stuff you say really connects with me, you know? I was hoping that by coming onto your show and talking to you, that you'd be able to help me."
"Okay, well, let me start with a simple question for you. Are you happy?"
"Um, I'd have to say-"
I switched off the television before the girl on TV could finish her answer. I'm in college now and that stupid show is still on the air. It must have high ratings to still be around though. I crawled out of my bed's bottom bunk. My dorm mate that never talked to me had already left. He probably forgot to turn off the TV, too. I took my little black book out from under my pillow, recorded in the dream section that I dreamt of drinking tea at an outdoor shop, then flipped to the back. I wrote "watch bad shows and laugh at them with her," then closed the book, slipping it back underneath my pillow. I still didn't have a girlfriend and probably wouldn't be getting one at this point of my life. Oh well, I still have my whole future past school ahead of me.
People said college would be a lot of fun. Maybe for some people, but not me. All my friends went to a different college. I was all alone here, so the days were even more uneventful and more painful than back in high school. Hard to believe, isn't it? I got showered and changed, crying a bit in the process. I wiped away any evidence of tears as I headed out of my dorm to my day's first class. I walked alone, past people discussing weekend plans and parties that I knew I'd never be invited too. I'd probably just ruin everything. That's how it always goes for me. It just seems like everything I try to do, nothing ever turns out right.
I sat in a lecture hall as a professor told us uncaringly about something math-related. My weakest subject. My mind drifted off to fantasies about the girl that sat in front of me. A pretty blonde girl. I thought about how much I'd like to get to know her. She seemed so kind. She let me borrow a pencil from her once when she noticed I spent more than a minute digging around for one. I thought that, maybe after class, I could start a conversation with her. That was until a boy leaned over and kissed her cheek.
"H-hey Matthew, not in class..." she said, blushing and teasingly punching the boy's shoulder. My fantasies moved to a darker place. I thought about dangling from the ceiling fan of my dorm. When my classes were over that day, I collapsed onto my bed. I didn't eat anything that day, I lost my appetite and I was only getting skinnier.
The next day started rather boringly, until a girl stopped me in the hall.
"Hey..." she said, "um, I've seen you around a lot and was wondering if you'd like to go out and get some coffee with me?
A girl, asking to spend time with me? What a surprise, but a pleasant one. She wasn't unattractive either, far from it.
"I... I think I'd like that," I told her. She smiled, then took me by the hand. A girl, touching my hand? The feeling of another human was bliss, one that I had never before experienced. She led me away from the college campus and to the local coffee shop where couples were happily sat together. We ordered our drinks and found a place to sit.
"Um, sorry, I didn't catch your name," I told the girl.
"It's Caroline. What's yours?"
I opened my mouth to answer, but my world soon melted away as I woke up. Recording my dreams really did help make me lucid. I closed my eyes shut in a panic as I tried to force myself back to sleep, back to that coffee shop with that girl. I couldn't do it. I couldn't go back, no matter how much I wanted to. I got up, feeling terrible, and went through the day. When the sun fell from the sky and the moon took its place, I fell onto my bed and cried myself to sleep.
"...our guest's name this morning is Brandon. So, Brandon, how do you feel being on this show?"
"Honestly, I'm really excited. I don't get out of the house much, so I think being here right now is really good for me. Um, yeah, that's it."
"Well I'm glad to hear that Brandon. Tell me, are you happy?
"Right now, I'm-"
I shut the TV off. I wrote about how I wanted to have a girlfriend who would make breakfast for us in the morning. I couldn't remember any dreams. I cried a bit. I went through my boring morning routine, then stepped out of my apartment to head to the train station to start my commute to work. Nothing special happened on the way to the station. Nothing special ever seems to happen to me. I have a job now, and I've still never had someone love me. Maybe I should give up on living.
I took a seat on the train, across from a young woman. She looked up at me with crystal clear eyes that I could see my sad reflection in. She stared for a moment, likely thinking to herself "how can I make conversation with this dead-looking skinny guy?" She apparently didn't discover an answer to that question, as she eventually turned her eyes away and pulled out her phone. An automated voice soon announced the station we'd reached and I started to get up in response. I glanced one last time at the woman. She didn't glance back.
I walked for a time below a grey sky and soon arrived at the office building where I worked. Posted near the front door was an advertisement.
"ENTER TO WIN A CHANCE TO APPEAR ON DR. MARIA'S LIVE TELEVISION SHOW. TALK ABOUT YOUR PROBLEMS TO A REAL LISTENER. CALL THE NUMBER BELOW TO BE ENTERED."
On the poster was a picture of the woman I saw that morning on TV. I always thought it was a stupid show. But, it was a chance to talk about my problems. I needed that. I called the number and an automated voice told me I'd be called back that afternoon if I won. I put my phone away, then went through my workday. No co-workers spoke to me, no co-workers ever spoke to me. I don't blame them. I was the last one to leave the office. I got a call as I walked out. I shoved my phone into my pocket when the call was finished, then continued on my way to my apartment.
"Good morning audience! Today I'm here with the winner of this month's contest. Have a seat, have a seat. What's your name?"
"Adhamm."
"Last name?"
"...Zorrow."
"What a pretty name. So, how's it feel to win the contest and be on the show?"
"I think this is the only thing I've ever won."
The audience laughed at me. Didn't think they'd laugh at a skinny kid with low-enough self-worth that he chose to turn up on national TV to talk about his personal problems.
"Well, let's get right into it. Tell me Adhamm... are you happy?"
I thought about the question for awhile, and as I thought, tears streamed down my face.
"I've been alone all my life. Nobody's ever cared about me. I've never had anyone hug or hold me or take any real interest in me. I feel so broken. I'm not happy, and I don't want to be alive." |