"M a t t h e w (Pronounced Math You)"
Do you really need to tell us how to pronounce one of the most common names that exist?
"was an honorable paratrooper of the 8 2nd Air borne division."
You don't put spaces in numbers like that. It should be "82nd", not "8 2nd". Also, "airborne" is one word.
"A 2 4 year old man fighting in the second world war."
That's either the subject or the object of the sentence that you had meant to type, but either way, there is no verb there. My point about numbers still stands.
"He gave care to others, not stopping to think about himself."
And he died in a dogfight above Germany.
"An amazing young man, fighting for the allied forces."
This sentence did not need to exist. It is blatantly obvious from the language that the names of the military regiments were in that he's from the English-Speaking world.
Bio:
"Enlisted a U.S soldier in 1 9 4 1,"
You forgot the subject and I absolutely hate the way that you do numbers.
"Fighting all the way until the end of the second world war in 1 9 4 5."
You forgot the subject and I absolutely have the way that you do numbers.
"Presumed dead at the Ardennes Offensive in 1 9 4 4,"
Please, for the love of god, stop writing your numbers like that.
"after being stabbed in both arms one time, and shot once in the kneecap."
Yeah, that'd kill him. That's also barbaric torture, meaning that it was intentionally painful.
"Luckily for him, he was wearing knee pads, and it only turned out to be a scratch."
That's not how knee pads work. Even if his knee pads absorbed 100% of the impact of the bullet he still would have broken his knee, and if it penetrated enough to make a cut the resultant force on the knee pads would likely be extremely painful.
"Later in 1 9 4 5, discovered alive, he continued serving in the U.S Military, also raising the United States Flag in the Battle of Iwo Jima."
That's a nice run-on sentence that you have there. First you used your crappy numbers which you need to stop using so goddam much. Then you neglected to explain how the hell he managed to survive that torture earlier - If he was a German PoW he would not have been given medical care and if he was abandoned he would not have gotten medical care. There's also some more grammar stuff that I'm concerned about but honestly the historical inaccuracies are pissing me off even more.
"After the second world war, he lost two of his sons in the cold war."
That's not how the Cold War worked. The Cold War was an economic and political "war" and an arms race between America and Russia; they never outright fought eachother. There were proxy wars, but the Cold War never got hot. Saying "my sons died in the Cold War" is like if I said that a French businessman purchased real estate in Berlin in 1916 - it makes no sense.
"He later bought a mansion and stayed there with his family."
How was he able to afford a mansion? Also, how many sons did he have if he could afford to lose two and still need a mansion for his family?
"After the cold war, he served in the Vietnam war."
You remember how I said that there were proxy wars during the Cold War? The Vietnam War was one of them. The Vietnam War was part of the Cold War, not after the Cold War. The Cold War ended after the Vietnam War.
"After that, he moved to New York,"
Okay, so if he was drafted into WWII at the age of 24 in 1941 and moved to New York in 1975, at the end of the Vietnam War, he would be 58 at the time of doing so. Old people move from New York to retire, not to New York.
"bought a wonderful home,"
What job did he do to be able to afford both a nice NYC apartment (or brownstone) and a mansion? That would be probably even more interesting than his military history.
"and lived there forever."
No, he didn't, because people eventually die.
"He is still alive today, aged 94."
So one of your roleplay characters is as a hundred-year-old living in New York? Also, thank you for finally writing numbers properly, it means a lot to me. |