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JadeTeale
#48352934Thursday, June 09, 2011 9:13 PM GMT

All In The Eyes Chapter 1 THE CHANGE "Good morning." I tell myself as I realize its only the 4th day of summer vacation. I crawled out of bed and gapped my phone off the bed head. I slip into a tank top and shorts to go outside. I grabbed my Gatorade bottle and filled it with water, and skipped out the door. I started to walk near what I thought was a really pretty flower I saw I the woods. Once I made it to the edge of my yard I heard a mysterious females voice, "Don't worry, Jade." Then I noticed the flower, wasn't a flower, it was a shimmering shoe. I turned around to run, but I felt a sharp pain bash against my skull and I crashed to the floor. "This could have been less messy if you did not try to run." The voice boomed. I could manage to mutter only a faint, "w-what?" The woman came down, took my water bottle and tossed it over to another woman, this one younger, around 18. The older one said, "Camille, It's your turn." She said nothing but, "Yes, Scarlet." Camille bent down beside me and I noticed her eyes, green with a gold ring around her pupil and a brown ring around her iris. She looked me in the eyes, and softly said, "I am sorry." Then she violently sunk razor sharp fangs I didn't see before into my neck, I was too numb to scream. I woke up in a cold, dark room with on windows, my head hurt and my neck and veins stung. Camille came in with my Gatorade bottle I her hand, "Here, drink this." She tossed me the bottle of milky red stuff. "What is this?" I asked in wonder. "Blood, rare nectar, moon water, Pollen, Try it," She said. "It let's you go in sunlight." I looked at the concoction I utter disbelief, "Wait one second, BLOOD? Wait, I don't even want to know, and why CAN'T I go into the sunlight!" I tried to get up but realized I was chained to the wall. "Calm down Jade, drink the potion, I will bring you a mirror then." She said calmly. "Why do I need a mirror!" I shouted before giving in and downing the mixture. "It's all in the eyes." Camille muttered and handed me a mirror. I took the mirror and Noticed something idifferent…my eyes were their casual blue, but with the same colored rings around them as Camille, My hair cut short, and clothes coated in blood. "What happened to me?" I asked. "You are noctiuagus, night walker, you have turned into a vampire." "Noctuagoo- what?." "Noctiuagus, a night walker." "That's just great!" "Do not worry, we have packed a hiking pack full of supplies." Camille handed me the hiking pack and took off the cuffs that attached me to the wall. "Wow, this is heavy, what's in it?" "Oh, a gallon of the mix that lets you in the sun, a first aid kit, a gallon of blood, A list of human food you can digest, A list of how to survive in school as a vampire, and last but not least, a journal." "Why a journal?" "If you write about being vampire in there, you won't spill your secret to others." "Anything else?" "Yeah," Camille pulled open a secret door. "Were going hunting." "Don't we need guns?" From no response from Camille I realized we weren’t hunting animals.
JadeTeale
#48352977Thursday, June 09, 2011 9:14 PM GMT

Sorry its only the first chapter..
JadeTeale
#48353392Thursday, June 09, 2011 9:22 PM GMT

BUMP any reviews?
JadeTeale
#48353899Thursday, June 09, 2011 9:32 PM GMT

Will SOMEBODY read?
JadeTeale
#48354434Thursday, June 09, 2011 9:40 PM GMT

PLEASE tell me what you think.
JadeTeale
#48356001Thursday, June 09, 2011 10:07 PM GMT

JUST READ AND REVIEW IS THAT SO HARD?
deadman640
#48359211Thursday, June 09, 2011 11:08 PM GMT

Hmm i like it. Although, i don't feel like you described your story enough, but thats just me, in my stories i like details. I didnt really "see" the setting. Also I didnt get why they used a gatorade bottle(sry about spelling if wrong). Was it meant to show that the main character and the vampires were poor, maybe use a more mysterious type of bottle (for the vampires). I really like your story. P.S. You spelt grabbed wrong. -Deadman
JadeTeale
#48359380Thursday, June 09, 2011 11:11 PM GMT

Typos are due to fast typing and dumb spell check. Gatorade bottle is cuz thats what she had with her when she went out on a walk.
deadman640
#48371097Friday, June 10, 2011 2:45 AM GMT

Ok i was just wondering. Have fun writing.
SilentShank
#48372342Friday, June 10, 2011 3:07 AM GMT

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Tyrannosaurus23
#48445518Saturday, June 11, 2011 2:57 PM GMT

it's good, i just don't really like vampires
nug123
#48484553Sunday, June 12, 2011 3:38 AM GMT

It was well and all, but you didn't really give any detail. You described the eyes, but the shimmering foot/flower you just mentioned and then killed. Also, shimmering vampires seems a bit Twilight (I only know that because I have two sisters). Also, before ever publishing a story read over it yourself to make sure there are no common mistakes. It was a somewhat decent plot, but I felt like I was reading from third person when it was supposed to be first. Not too shabby over all, though.
JadeTeale
#48502894Sunday, June 12, 2011 3:14 PM GMT

It wasent a foot that shimmerd, it was a shoe.(Ex. glittery high heels)
MeaFairy
#48521627Sunday, June 12, 2011 9:19 PM GMT

There seems to be an excess of vampire crap nowadays...Try something different, maybe? I felt like everything happened too quickly and casually. I mean, if you were handed a 'potion' with blood in it, you definitely wouldn't drink it as a first resort. There's more to a story then writing for fun. You must think out a plot, setting, how it will end, etc. I mean, if you /are/ writing for fun...good for you, but I'm just saying. Overall, I give it a 5/10 (Meaning I liked it, but it could have been better).
Wingeddone100
#48526756Sunday, June 12, 2011 10:54 PM GMT

[ Content Deleted ]
smilex
#48527816Sunday, June 12, 2011 11:15 PM GMT

It's alright, but since the Twilight hype started up I've essentially hated vampires in general.
Rodrigo360
#48527975Sunday, June 12, 2011 11:18 PM GMT

@Winged So you hate Bram Stocker´s novel? (Incult B@st@rd.)

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