SteelmealJoin Date: 2008-11-11
Post Count: 892 |
maybe you might get killed or injured |
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TAKER38Join Date: 2008-04-08
Post Count: 15210 |
if i do die make it at the end of the wars and make it of a traitor on team
(qsd would fit he is always depressed in this) |
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I'm a very tough critic. I have to say, for the entire curent story, 4/10.
Suggestions:
First off, I recommend better grammar. I barely understood any of that. Try to use better grammar, for not only will it make your story look better, but it will make it easier to read.
Try making them longer. I can read those in five seconds, which makes them really boring. Make them longer with a few easy ways. (1) Add more adjectives to snazz the story up, that way you keep your readers interested, and (2) use punctuation more often.
There, I hope I gave you a few ideas. |
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SteelmealJoin Date: 2008-11-11
Post Count: 892 |
well i never was good at writing im more of a math person |
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I'm good at mostly everything. I can write a tribute chapter and post it here if you'd like. |
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SteelmealJoin Date: 2008-11-11
Post Count: 892 |
if you want too you can |
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Here it is, then.
Chapter H-1
"Run!" I yelled at deathdealer14, as enemy noob bombers flew overhead with their orange hulls gleaming in the light. I, personally, was surprised noobs even knew how to fly those complicated vessels. All I knew was that noobs planned on attacking the World Headquarters soon, and I had to prevent it. "Death! Those noobs always forget to close the bomb hatch when they drop the bombs for a few minutes! Maybe if we coul-" I was interupted by a large explosion that blew the wall I was recently sheltering behind got blown up. "-d get one of your sticky gernades in there, we could blow them up!"
"I don't know, you know how much work I had to do to get these? Eh, I guess you're right though. When shou-" he was cut off by a loud noise coming from above. The unmistakeable noise of him cursing fluttered around my ears. I knew then that a bomber was beginning a bombing procedure. "Duck!" death yelled under the explosions of noise.
"Throw it! Now!" I yelled at death. He instinctively threw it upwards, causing it to cling to the inside of the bomber. "Good. If it does as I hope, we have a mean out of this place. I'm shamed to call this dump Town Dash." I glanced upwards, but quickly regretted it as I ran into a wall. But a glory came to my eyes. Just as I expected, the sticky only blew out the propellors, which could be quickly repaired. The noob yelled randomly as he slowly crashed towards the ground. "Bang." I mumbled.
The crash was more pleasant then I thought. It landed right on a car, which caused it to flip, causing the noob to fall out, and the bomber to land neatly. Death quickly put the noob to rest with his simple sword, and I leaped in the bomber. "Get in! Before the noobs begin another assualt!" I yelled at the venomous ROBLOXian. He grabbed on as I lifted off, nearly being crushed under a bomb. I watched in aw as I saw my hard worked on place go up in flames.
But I knew these noobs had to be stopped. I would have to find any survivors of this ambush and start a rebbellion, before it's too late. I would first go to the HQ, and see if anyone was still there. I might also be able to stop the attack there, but I had no clue. But all I knew for certain was that this was possibly, the end. |
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Mine? XD I might end up stealing Steelmeal's job! Jk. =P |
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ZaakhyJoin Date: 2008-05-25
Post Count: 4063 |
Great chappie! Nice job stealmeal! |
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That was my chappie, though! |
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Maybe stealmeals team, and yours should join up! |
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TAKER38Join Date: 2008-04-08
Post Count: 15210 |
steel mustpost |
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Currently my team is just me and deathdealer14. I'm looking for remnants, currently, though. |
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ZaakhyJoin Date: 2008-05-25
Post Count: 4063 |
I meant great chapter for kirby and nice job for steel |
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If you want, I can make my next chapter 2000 words long. I'll only be able to post it in a few days, though. |
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Stealmeal, I think you shoud pm Hardkirby your ideas and he can spiff them up! |
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Idea: If you can, download OpenOffice. I write all my stories in it, it's rather handy. |
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SteelmealJoin Date: 2008-11-11
Post Count: 892 |
maybe or he could write what he writes about what he does in the war like a spin off kind of |
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I think stealmeal is making a new chapter, you should ask if you could do that for him. |
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I'm buisy writing right now, actually. |
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SteelmealJoin Date: 2008-11-11
Post Count: 892 |
Chapter 7
I reloaded this battle was not going well what Rocket hit the doorway noobs rushed the door when they saw us they stopped i got the message from the expressions on there faces they were obviously expected that rocket to wipe us out and thats when we fired...
"This is going badly" Moaned Rivenskull over the over the noise of his FN SCAR "I know" i Replied "Were not gonna make it"Cried Blackybar "most likely"I said. the fighting was intense think Mrrors edge:the city battle and times it by Fifty my gun clicked DARN out of ammo. I reached for my Belt which had more clip on it i felt none i looked Down there was none left I Cursed I threw me Rifle at a Noob he fell over Screaming "Liek D@ts ch3@t!ng H@x0r" next thing we knew the noobs ran for there lifes.
"yeah you better run" yelled Blackybar "yeah what he said"screamed Rivenskull. I wasnt listening i was listening to a faint drone which was getting louder and louder "TO THE POLICE STATION" I ordered when i realised its was a noob-17 bomber we ran..
The noob-17 smashed into the hospital with so much power and force that the no debris was scattered around the place "phew good thing you werent in that when he hit"Qsdcv exclaimed "Qsdcv i owe you one"Taker sighed we looked around surprised
"you see when the noobs attacked us i ran out of ammo and a noob charged me with a sword he was about to get me when Qsdcv amazed me with his speed by grabing the noobs sword and well he beat him with it"Taker said."Wow" I said 'looks like someone will be getting a medal" Qsdcv smiled
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Problem: There is a huge rule for Fan-Fiction and writing. Only one person can speak in one paragraph. |
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SteelmealJoin Date: 2008-11-11
Post Count: 892 |
*looks around* oh darn i cant see any rules anywere |
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