of     1   

HollyTheDogLover
#78696478Sunday, September 23, 2012 7:09 AM GMT

Chapter 1 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Carley walked beside Shayaa, her best friend. Nothing, NOTHING, could seperate the two. Carley always said, not even a shark could. When Carley says something she means it. Always. "So, the beach. What are we gonna do?" Shayaa asked, snapping Carley out of her thoughts. "Oh! Well first we have to scan the water for baitfish, sea lions, and sharks. If any of them are there we can just go to the pool. If they aren't there we can get in, we just have to be cautious." Carley replied, clearly sure she wanted to be THAT cautious. Shayaa looked at her friend with an odd look, but shook it off and smiled. "Alright." Shayaa said softly. When the two young girls arrived at the beach, they were surprised to see it so empty. The girls shrugged off their surprise and ran up to the pebbly shoreline. Carley grinned, scanning the waters. She blindly missed a school of baitfish swimming nearby and hopped into the water. Shayaa followed. There were people at the beach, but not as close or as much as usual. Carley was careless now, and forgot her earlier caution of the beach. She knew she was in a fish's territory. The sea's apex predetor's territory. The shark's territory. Carley splashed Shayaa when she wasn't looking. Shayaa spun around, and splashed her friend back. She looked mad. "Tehe!" Carley giggled, swimming out into deeper water. Shayaa looked worried, so she didn't follow. Shayaa's brother, Timothie, had followed them along with Carley's brother, Jayson. The two boys were sitting on the beach building sand castles. The two boys never really liked getting the water, only getting dirty. They left the water playing to the girls. Moments later, Carley was in water that was much to deep for herself. It was too deep even for her mother. Carley spun around in the water, still playful and full of fun. Shayaa's eyes widened from the shallow water where she stood. She wobbled on her feet, barely stifling a screech. The other people turned to look. The kids and adults in the water rushed out, clearly scared out of their wits. Carley was now furious that nobody wanted to be in the water. If they didn't want to be in the water, why were they at the beach?! Carley felt a light nudge on her leg, then a nibble. Her eyes widened as she looked underwater and saw a gray blob. It wasn't really a blob. Shayaa screamed, and rushed out to help Carley. Timothie and Jayson watched in horror as their sisters were in the ocean still. Horrid. Horrid. The gray blob that had nibbled and nudged Carley, swam out a bit, then rose a bit higher to where everybody could see a large dorsal fin. Carley screamed, and started to thrash out towards shore. The 'gray blob' found this amusing, and intriquing. The shark, the gray blob, came back and hooked it's serrated teeth into Carley's leg. The shark began thrashing it's head as the water turned red with Carley's blood. Shayaa came out and started kicking the shark in it's snout. The shark shot a glare at Shayaa that made her think twice, and swim back a few paces. The shark quickly took Carley underwater, without second-guessing itself. Shayaa's green eyes were very wide by now. She was floating, carelessly if I must say, in a blood-red cloud of water that was only getting bigger. Carley thrashed her arms around under the red cloud. She stifled a shriek only to keep her breath. She knew it was futile to fight. Carley closed her eyes and thought of what Shayaa had done, kicking the shark's snout. Kicking his snout wouldn't be an option here, Carley thought. So, I have to hit him! Carley took her left hand and balled it into a fist. She started hitting the shark's snout as hard as she could. It didn't seem to work. She then went for the eye, and it took a while to reach the shark's black eye. Shayaa had gathered up all her courage and swam under. Shayaa glared at the shark, and hooked her arms around it and started to tug. It took a while, but the shark let go without a prize. Shayaa grabbed Carley's arm, and swam as quickly as she could to shore. Finally the two were at the shore. "Timothie!" Shayaa shrieked. "Get the towel!" Shayaa glanced at Jayson. "Call 911!" She yowled. Carley could only glance at her leg, and sigh. Shayaa quickly tied her towell around Carley's leg, checking at Jayson's progress with the phone. "They're coming!" Carley's brother shouted only moments after. Shayaa nodded curtly, and pulled Carley more onto shore in case the shark came back. Shayaa had immediately known what species the shark was. And she didn't dare tell anybody unless she had to. It was a great white. Shayaa's worst nightmare. But Carley knew there were worse sharks out there. The great white wasn't even the deadliest. Much, much worse. All the credit goes to keyra.
loppolh
#78697962Sunday, September 23, 2012 8:07 AM GMT

All credit to goes to Loppolh
ChinchiilaMaster
#78703171Sunday, September 23, 2012 12:11 PM GMT

All credit goes to Keyra.
AbCatchem
#78707524Sunday, September 23, 2012 1:42 PM GMT

Why did you post this? You need KERYA'S permission to do that, and she locked the thread for a reason. I could get if she decided to make it replie-able, but wouldn't she repost it herself?
keyra14
#78734755Sunday, September 23, 2012 7:37 PM GMT

OP, no. No. No. No. No. I would have reposted it in a repliable version if I wanted to. Ab is correct, you would need my permission to do this...so yeah. (Meme time) Y U POST MY STORY IN REPLIEABLE THREAD?
Dreadnor
#78734937Sunday, September 23, 2012 7:39 PM GMT

Probably did it to help you get a healthy dose of criticism. Don't be scared. It helps.
keyra14
#78735174Sunday, September 23, 2012 7:42 PM GMT

Well I'm going to put the story up on deviantART and most people I met there are nice and aren't going to say, "ZOMG UR STORY SUCKS GET OUT" or anything along the lines of that.
Dreadnor
#78735686Sunday, September 23, 2012 7:47 PM GMT

You can't avoid criticism. It'll help you out. Blind praises cannot help you improve. Criticism can. Even if they say it's bad, critics will help you improve by telling WHAT was bad so you can try to fix it or work at it. In fact, to help you, I'll give you some criticism on this story.
1perrytheplatypus
#78739405Sunday, September 23, 2012 8:26 PM GMT

DevianArt bans for criticism -_-.
AbCatchem
#78739786Sunday, September 23, 2012 8:30 PM GMT

You must be mistaken. If you say, "This is horrendous, I hate you," ... You could get banned. But people on there can REQUEST CRITIQUES. They get the full opinion from the critic and the critic is open to offer advice. You don't get banned.
1perrytheplatypus
#78740002Sunday, September 23, 2012 8:33 PM GMT

Hmm. Oh, well, okay.
Dreadnor
#78741090Sunday, September 23, 2012 8:45 PM GMT

The foreshadowing on the "Nothing, NOTHING, could seperate the two. Carley always said, not even a shark could." line was too harsh and seemed to point out what will happen like a truck hitting a massive, ten foot tall tomato. The characters also seem a bit bland and forgettable. I can't remember any of their names. Brothers should've been fleshed out as well. The girl that was at first careful, but lost her intelligent edge made no sense. If she was careful, she would probably stay careful. I mean, I can see where you'd be if she was at first careful, but lost her guard by having too much fun. To be honest, I didn't see that. I recommend developing her more. More time for the characters, and more of a build-up. Anyway, "Carley"-'s reaction to the shark is very.. Low key. "Carley could only glance at her leg, and sigh. Shayaa quickly tied her towell around Carley's leg, checking at Jayson's progress with the phone." All she does is sigh? Why not scream? Doesn't it hurt? All in all, it's not that well written, could have some better vocabulary, and the characters could have more development. I'm expecting to see a re-write, mainly because if you give up on this, I'll be disappointed.
keyra14
#78741217Sunday, September 23, 2012 8:46 PM GMT

Hm yes. If only it allowed me to request it where it litterally says I want it. But that's for people with premium memberships. But I can say in the description I want criticism in the description, and maybe draw a picture for it where the story is in the description as well. ^-^
keyra14
#78741881Sunday, September 23, 2012 8:53 PM GMT

(Fail didn't see) *I can't write to save my life.*
EpicBoyMike
#78788346Monday, September 24, 2012 3:46 PM GMT

@OP YOU ARE MY HERO! COME,MY TROLL CHILDREN,HERE IS SOME FOOD.
keyra14
#78824393Tuesday, September 25, 2012 1:45 AM GMT

[ Content Deleted ]
jetthehawk
#78826460Tuesday, September 25, 2012 2:08 AM GMT

hey keyra that's no language im gonna have to bag and tag you

    of     1