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Just so this thread does not get removed, I am going to tell everyone that this is a STORY, made UP not REAL! Ok. (Saying that 'cause in the past i've gotten deleted for it.)
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Chapter 1: Unforgiving. (Re-written)
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Sarai looked out the window of the school bus, concious of people laughing, coughing, and playing around on the bus while the bus driver is totally oblivious to what really goes on. Eventually when it comes to her stop, Sarai gets off the bus and starts to walk home. She looks at the ground, watching every crack in the sidewalk pass as she walks on. And before Sarai knows it, here comes the icecream truck that comes everyday around this time to give kids icecream. She never did trust the people in that truck, they always looked a bit suspicious. Sarai did only talk to one person, and that is Griffin, her best friend. He is only in three of her classes, but he is the only one that will ever talk to her without putting her down, calling her names, and just plain out being rude. Sarai suddenly found herself stopped on the sidewalk, and here comes the icecream truck, it stops on the road beside her. "Hey kid, you want some icecream or what?"She could tell it was a teenager, probably 14-15 yr eld boy. As much as she wanted to say yes, she kept walking instead. She didn't look back. Sarai was suddenly overwhelmed by people surrounding her. They were all wearing black masks, and had black glasses to cover their eyes. One of them pulled a gun, another got some sort of spray, and sprayed her face. It didn't hurt, but she fell backwards onto the concrete and blacked out.
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Chapter 2: Awakening.
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Sarai awoke in a strange place, there were what it looked like, kids with doctors coats on. She sat up only to feel a nice, comfortable pillow to lean on. "She's awake." Sarai saw someone say into a weird looking speaker. Almost immediatly, someone came through the doors. Griffin. "Griffin, where am I..." She trailed off. "Your at a secret military base in the atlantic ocean." He smiled as he said it. Sarai looked at him wide-eyed with wonder. "But how is that possible? All I remember is a truck, some people and then-" She was interuppted by another person walking through the doors. The person that was selling icecream. "I see she has woken, the sleeping gas should've worn off yesterday, but your a sleeper alright." He said. She looked at Griffen and then to the strange boy. "While I havn't properly introduced myself, I am Wolf, head of this base." Sarai was perplexed, how did she get from Montana to the Atlantic Ocean in two days? "You see, those people who grabbed thier guns, and shot you with sleep gas are our agents." "They did not mean to harm you in anyway." She scratched her head only to notice that there was a thick bandage wrapped around her head. "I don't care, why am I here at all, can't I just go home?" Sarai asked. "It is 100% your choice, but wouldn't you rather understand why we brought you here and such?" Wolf said. Instead of listening, Sarai got angry, furious with both of them. "Stop with your stupid riddles! I just want to go home!" She yelled at Griffin and Wolf. She got out of bed and with an awkward waddle and made it into the hallway, pushing people aside that were trying to help her. She was picked up by someone in the hallway as she scambled in his arms. Unable to tell who it was, she panicked and screamed. "Help!" "Who are these people!" She began to cry.
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Constructive critism is welcome ^^....
-TheLizardlyWriter |
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THOSE ARE SOME SHORT CHAPTERS
but still to much to read...
http://www.youtube.com/user/robloxnubs |
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Nice story but I would like to hear more, please carry on. |
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Chapter 3: Announcement of unamusement.
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"Chill, whats your problem?" He asks. "I want to get out of here! I need to leave. Now!" Sarai screams in his face. Sarai punches his face, and he wanted to atleast slap back, but he didn't dare. His nose was bleeding but he didn't put her down. While other agents pass, they don't seem to care for whatever reason. They just walked by as if they didn't exist. She kicks and thrashes, until Griffin runs down he hallway. "Betta, put her down" He orders. He puts Sarai down, but handcuffs her. "Handcuffs aren't neccesary." Griffin says. Betta just nods and throws him the key without unlocking her then walks away. Griffin puts his hands on her shoulders. "Listen, you need to relax. This is a high-class federal agentcy. We can't have hooligans running the halls." Griffin says nicely. "Only i'm not the hooligan! These people who are here are! They captured me! They sprayed my face with some weird gas!" She yelled. "She's not an easy nut to crack, now is she?" Wolf asks as he comes from behind Griffin. "Definetly not sir." Griffin replies. "Put her in the sauna." Wolf orders. The sauna isn't a place with steam, or where people sit in only towels, it is a confinement unit. "Wolf, why she doesn't even understand whats going on." Griffin says. "Just until she calms down, then we will let her out when she has her head on straight."
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Constructive critism is welcome!!
-TheLizardly writer |
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Nice very nice. I did notice one thing, when you wrote "Sarai screams in his face. Sarai punches his face, and he wanted to atleast slap back, but he didn't dare." I would replace the fullstops with commas or simple put it like Sarai screamed and punched his face. Something like that.
Anyway very nice story, cary on.
Sincerely,
Swift~ |
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"Griffin."Sarai asks while she lays in her solid-slate bed. He looks at her acknowledging that she is talking to him. "Why did you bring me in here in first place?" She asks curiously. "Well, I have been doing this almost my whole life, and since your my best friend I though i'd bring you here to train with me." "But Griffin, I thought you knew me well enough to know that I wouldn't ever even want to try." "Sarai. But I do know you better than most people in this world, including your parents. And I know that you would try anything to save someone, or to just hangout with your friends." "Yah, but whats the point? I'm always bullied, teased and put down." "Sarai! That doesn't matter! Here you can be honored, and acheive most things people couldn't do in a lifetime! Please atleast try." Sarai sighed. "I will."
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Sorry that this was a short one. :P
-Constructive critism is welcome always.
----TheLizardlyWriter |
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Nice, but for a reader it has to open up a little. Just enough for us to understand what the whole place is. |
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Well if you do want to meet new writers feel free to drop in.
http://www.roblox.com/My/Groups.aspx |
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"Ok, stay here i'll get Wolf and he will tell me what to do with you. Oh and by the way, my agent name is Hawk not Griffin." Hawk walks slowly out the door into the hallway, and then right where Sarai can't see him, he starts dancing. "Hawk, what are you doing?" Scorpion asked. Hawk stops in his tracks to salute the commander. "Nothing useful, sir." Hawk replies. "At ease, I am headed to sector 4, meet me there at 8 pm sharp, with Wolf and Sarai." "Sounds good, commander Scorpion." "Also, get Sarai her Agent name today." Scorpion calls over his shoulder. "Yes sir." Hawk replies.
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Yah I know its short, really sry. I've only had like 10-20 minutes to do anything in my life lately =\ ...
-TheLizardlyWriter |
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It's good but it's going ahead quiet slowly, try adding a little more action other then punching. |
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RaumLordJoin Date: 2010-06-04
Post Count: 4476 |
tl;dr |
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Olivia586Join Date: 2012-11-06
Post Count: 149 |
Chapter 1 and Chapter 2 kinda happen very fast. I'd like to know more about Sarai's normal life, like what they call her and why. |
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@Christ, then why did you bother to comment? Trying to troll much?
@Olivia, you will find that out in the next chapter 'cause I knew someone was going to ask that eventually. |
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"Hey Hawk, you do know that that glass isn't one-way?" Sarai said laughing. Hawk's cheeks turn red in embaressment. "Come on anyway, I need to show you two special things." Hawk says. Sarai follows him into the hallway. "So, i'm just curious, why were you dancing?" Hawk just smiles and they burst out laughing together. When they finally get to sector 2, Wolf is there. Wolf is co-commander, a brave and loyal soldier. He was once known as the Class Clown, but almost no agent has ever seen him laugh since before his 43rd mission. What happened that day was almost impossible to bear. "Ah, Hawk I see you have come to give Sarai her companion." "Yes sir." "Ok, follow." Sarai follows with no words. The place they had walked into looked bazaar, filled with pipes, electrical wires, cages and machines and some other things she doesn't even know what. This must be some high-tech lab of some sort. We got to some point where Wolf stopped infront of us. "So, Sarai, what is your favorite animal?""What why?" Wolf whistles and a black wolf runs through the double doors and sits next to him. "This is Blackstone, aka my companion. Since wolves are my favorite animals, that is what your companion will be. But if your companion is too small, too big, too agressive, we can put one in this cage for about 5 minutes." Wolf points to the machine. "So, Sarai what is it?" "Uh... green day gecko. I guess?" "Ok, well then you will have to venture to Madagascar, where they have those. Go see scorpion for your mission." "Yes sir." Hawk said. Sarai nodded. |
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Chapter 4: First Mission.--
Sarai and Hawk head to sector 5, where they can find scorpion. Walking through the doors of Sector 5, Scorpion sees that they've come early. "Well, it isn't five yet y'know." Scorpion says. "Yah we know, but Sarai needs her companion and it is in Madagascar, so that is like a week trip to find one, cage it, and bring it back." Hawk says. "Oh, what did you pick Sarai?" Scorpion asked. "Giant Green Day Gecko." Sarai says. "Interesting choice. Are you read for your first mission, Sarai?" Scorpion says. "Yes sir." She replies. |
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It's nice except if you could change lines every time someone talk, for example.
"Lets go" said Sari
"I just have one last thing to do" Replied Hawk
"Alright then" Sari finished
It just makes it easier to read.
Sincerely,
Swift~ |
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Thank you swift and everyone who gave feedback.
And bump of 12/3/12... |
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No problem, glad I could help (if I did).
Sincerely,
Swift~ |
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Scorpion leads us into what it seemed a literal maze of hallways, doors and rooms, until we finally get to two double, rock-solid metal doors. There was a series of complicated locks on the two metal doors, though one was all swirlly, and so many twists and turns, the other lock was simply a square. Sarai thought aloud, "Why have a complicated lock, and one so simple?" "Well, you see, they aren't simple." Scorpion replies. "The square lock..." Sarai trails off as Scorpion twists the keys in the keyholes and the door opens to a huge aircraft in her path. Hawk motions for Sarai to follow into the gigantic plane.
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:D CLIFFHANGERS IK! :D |
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"Goodbye for now, Sarai." Scorpion says then walks back through the doors. Sarai follows Hawk on the huge plane, it was empty. There was only Sarai, Hawk and someone else she'd never known before. "This is Crested. He will be your partner on this mission, not me, I will be staying here." Hawk explains. "What? Hawk! No!" Sarai yells. "I know it is hard, but I will see you in a week, a month... A year..." He suddenly looks down. "I'll miss you!" Hawk yells. "I'll miss you too." Sarai says back. Hawk hugs her and then leaves. As he gets off the plane and the hatch is about to go into her vision, she sees tears rolling down his face. The hatch closes in her vision. He is gone. "Goodbye..." She whispers to herself and starts to cry, but those to measily words that Sarai will probably hang on to for a long time, 'I'll miss you.', will probably echo in her find forever. |
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"Sarai," Crestedgecko begins. "I know it is hard to leave someone you care about, and I understand that completely," He puts a hand on her shoulder. "But don't you see?" Crested says. "See what?" Sarai asks while she sniffles. "This agentcy will be the best thing that ever happened to you, I gurantee it. And if it isn't, i'll give you your...uh... 3 days of life back?" Crested says and laughs. Sarai laughs a little. "By the way, you can call me Gecko, Crested, Or Crested gecko. Whichever is good for you." He says. "You like geckos too?" Sarai asks. "Yes, Sarai. That's the reason in the first place I got paired to go on this mission." He says. "You hungry, Sarai?" "Yah, but were in the air. Theres no food here?" Sarai says. "Yes there is, silly." CrestedGecko says. "Hey, you got shrimp on this fancy shamancy plane?" Sarai asks. "Yes, and I forgot to tell you, your agent name is GoldDustGecko." CrestedGecko says. "Cool." GoldDustGecko responds. "But, y'know i'm going to call you GoldGecko, is that ok?" CrestedGecko asks. "Yah, sure." GoldGecko says. "So, its going to be a long ride, about two, maybe three days to get to Madagascar, anything to tell me before we get there?" Crestedgecko asks. "Oh my gosh! I have so much!" GoldGecko says and then they talk for hours, and hours on end.
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Finally a happy ending of a chapter XDDDD
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shrimp12Join Date: 2010-04-02
Post Count: 381 |
That was pretty good, but you aren't telling us much about it |
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