McJerkyJoin Date: 2007-06-18
Post Count: 718 |
BOOM! Yeah, I call people out a lot on their writings, so it's only logical to throw myself out here.
This is just what I have on my computer. I've written over 500 full-length poems and songs (meaning at least five stanzas); however, like any real artist will tell you, most of them get scrapped.
So I'll put one in every post.
This one's called "Deity," I wrote it two years ago.
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"Don't think about the things that could go wrong.
Don't think about them, don't do it.
Just don't do it.
Or else everyone will watch you as you turn into a mess,
watch you fall apart, torn inside out from your fears."
You're a deity for what you've done to me.
Brought more fear than the face of death.
But now I'll set my hidden thoughts free;
if at even the price of my final breath.
I am a fool for what I have done.
But it's too late, my mind's set.
That I've let it fall for someone
whom which I have but barely met.
It's a throbbing pain; the unrequited.
Like a holy nail driven through the skull.
But it hurts even more; the unadmitted.
A secret from something so wonderful.
Now the deity has nowhere left to go,
as I stare into beauty's eyes of death.
You ready your knife, as now I show,
that it's you who takes away my breath. |
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McJerkyJoin Date: 2007-06-18
Post Count: 718 |
This one's called "Just Another Letdown," it's a song I wrote and made a bass track for a year ago.
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Hey girl you're looking attractive,
let's say you hold me captive.
Deep down in some underground lair,
you can tie me up and pull my hair.
But it's the breakdown; just another letdown
I missed the shot and I'm falling to the ground.
But it's alright, I'm getting used to this,
just another pretty girl I'll always miss.
Hey there; looking pretty and smart,
let's say you've stole my heart.
You tried to run with it but I tracked you down,
and I'd like it if I could keep you around.
But it's the breakdown; just another letdown
I missed the shot and I'm falling to the ground.
I'll forget you now but then I'll reminisce,
about that pretty girl that I'll always miss.
I look at you, but you just laugh and scoff,
what's with that evil smile? Take it off!
If I've told you once, I've told you twice,
my heart goes out to you, a longing paradise!
But it's the breakdown; just another letdown
I missed the shot and I'm falling to the ground.
But it's alright, I'm getting used to this,
just another pretty girl I'll always miss.
But it's the breakdown; just another letdown
I gave it my best, and I made out with the ground.
All I wanted was just one tiny little kiss,
from that pretty girl that I'll always miss.
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Zilla2112Join Date: 2008-08-29
Post Count: 3996 |
That's some really good stuff. I always have trouble writing lyrics for my songs. |
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McJerkyJoin Date: 2007-06-18
Post Count: 718 |
Thanks, I've always been good with words, lol.
This one's called "No More," wrote it based around the refrain it has.
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What do I gotta do to change your mind?
What do I gotta go to make you mind?
With every clue that I find;
I find I've been left behind.
I'm losing conrtol...
as I'm falling down this hole...
but this time,
this time I'm keeping my soul.
'Cause if you fall enough, it don't hurt no more,
beaten down, but still remember what I came here for,
not leaving 'til I get it, no matter how sore,
'cause if you fall enough...
I was looking for you to save me,
but you went behind and you betrayed me.
You say it was fate and never meant to be,
but I'm not dumb, I'm blind but I can see
that if you fall enough, it don't hurt no more,
broken down, just to get what I came here for,
I'm still trying, because no matter how sore,
if you; if you fall enough.
and you'll regret this,
it'll be the one thing that you miss,
'cause even if I'm ignored,
you're the one I came here for.
'Cause if you fall enough, it don't hurt no more,
beaten down, yet still remember what I came here for,
and I'm gonna get it, no matter how sore,
if, you, fall...
'Cause if you fall enough, it don't hurt no more,
beaten down, but still remember what I came here for,
not leaving 'til I get it, no matter how sore,
'cause if you fall enough!
I'm not dead yet, you gotta try a little more.
'Cause girl don't you know it don't hurt no more? |
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McJerkyJoin Date: 2007-06-18
Post Count: 718 |
Bump. |
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wakko1337Join Date: 2009-06-14
Post Count: 435 |
Bump. |
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McJerkyJoin Date: 2007-06-18
Post Count: 718 |
Bump.
Had to reinstall my external hard drive, I'll post more in a bit. |
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noidiocyJoin Date: 2009-07-15
Post Count: 1360 |
Pretty stellar. |
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imnotdeadJoin Date: 2008-03-06
Post Count: 7734 |
They are good, but you really need to try and stop writing lyrics that would belong in an MCR/Linkin Park song. |
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wakko1337Join Date: 2009-06-14
Post Count: 435 |
So now you're criticising bands? Get out of here, twit. |
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imnotdeadJoin Date: 2008-03-06
Post Count: 7734 |
@ wakko1337: Damn, not another idiot.
If you've ever listened to those bands, you would find that they sing about that stuff. Or are you too stupid to operate YouTube? |
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wakko1337Join Date: 2009-06-14
Post Count: 435 |
"Not another idiot?"
Where? I only see me.
You've got a problem with these bands, and therefore you tell me not to write what I write? I write everything; don't even think about telling me what I can do. |
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ak154Join Date: 2008-08-11
Post Count: 12172 |
You're ok, I'm not saying great or bad, But I've seen better. |
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wakko1337Join Date: 2009-06-14
Post Count: 435 |
You haven't even seen a sliver of what I've written. I can't post my best work here. They're too long. |
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Youre good.
-The Bluest Jet of Them All |
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rocky713Join Date: 2008-08-03
Post Count: 6642 |
you're good, but you think you're the best.
you critisize everyone else's music so you can feel better about your self. |
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wakko1337Join Date: 2009-06-14
Post Count: 435 |
I don't think I'm the best.
But I do think I'm great.
I'm not arrogant; I can handle criticism. The only problem? Nobody here can properly give it. |
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MINARD734Join Date: 2008-06-23
Post Count: 635 |
you are pretty good. I am not a big fan of that "Just another Letdown one". You are alot like me... BUT, you are better, lol here is one of my works (a poem) :
-[-=The Dark One=-]-
Part 1
Haunting
The dark one creeps quietly through the streets. His evil deeds unknown. He peeks into my window. He must be overthrown.
He wears a cape as black as a starless night. His eyes are all that’s light. They're so gray, they cause much fright.
What is he, who is he, where's he from? He won't tell me. How come? Look at all the evil he has done.
Is there a way to defend? any help someone can lend? Time is running out, it’s almost the end.
A war has begun, one that cannot be won. All I can do now is run.
Part 2
Alone
He haunts me night and day, I want him gone is all I have to say, I have to get rid of him some way.
I am alone. I feel like he is eating me away to the bone. In this deep pit i have been thrown.
Am i going to die? I feel like no one can hear my cry. You comforting me feels like a lie.
Part 3
Daylight
Help, i feel dead, all he does is fill me with dread. I can’t live like this, is all that has to be said.
Can someone get me away from him? The moonlight is getting so dim, with fear; I'm filled to the brim.
Go away... You cannot stay! Night is gone for ever now its day. Now, the sky is no longer gray.
The dark one was just me. My eyes were closed so I could not see, but you have opened them... and now I'm free!
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MINARD734Join Date: 2008-06-23
Post Count: 635 |
and this is another (a short one) :
I'm Dead, I'm Alive- (redone due to some unnecessary words that ruined the flow)
By chains I am bound, In pain, I Crash to the ground. When I scream, there is no sound. I keep on waiting to be found.
I feel so dead, my eyes are filled with dread. Why can’t my message be read. No one has heard a word I've said.
What got me here? I feel like the end is near, I see my fate quite clear. I can't even hold back a tear.
... I'm dead!
I come back to you once more. You leave me an opened door.
I give you my all, for it is my call. In you, I shall not fall.
... I'm ALIVE!
----Well I hope you like it Mcjerky. Give me some criticism so I can improve please! |
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MINARD734Join Date: 2008-06-23
Post Count: 635 |
so if you want critisizm... well... i dont know... your better than me! maybe some dark beginnings, and awake and exciting endings... maybe some lessons and some real life incidents a inspiration! Keep up the work! |
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imnotdeadJoin Date: 2008-03-06
Post Count: 7734 |
Also, McJerky, your lyrics fail compared to those of Led Zeppelin, AC/DC, Black Sabbath, Primus, 'Weird Al' Yankovic, Iron Maiden, Metallica, etc. |
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MINARD734Join Date: 2008-06-23
Post Count: 635 |
not weird al, lol. hes ok. McJerky is of course not as good as led zeppelin! YEAH!!! LED!!!!! maybe you could ad more feeling and more UMPH into it! |
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wakko1337Join Date: 2009-06-14
Post Count: 435 |
Why would I want my poetry and songs to be at a calibur of a FAMOUS BAND? That's bull.
And Minard, most of them are based on life experiences. I restate; my best work wouldn't fit here. |
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imnotdeadJoin Date: 2008-03-06
Post Count: 7734 |
@ wakko1337: You aren't McJerky. |
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wakko1337Join Date: 2009-06-14
Post Count: 435 |
Yes I am idiot, I've said it numerous times. |
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