Kippo4Join Date: 2010-03-06
Post Count: 52 |
These aren't books, you aren't writing original content. A fanfic is a story based off of real people/other works. Writing a story based off of peoples' Roblox character is fan fiction. |
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cisagentJoin Date: 2011-02-28
Post Count: 361 |
Get me in! |
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I could understand most of it . |
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you spelled "Knee" wrong. you spelled it nee,but overall it was good.(some other mispellings) Alot of dialogue and high vocabulary. Pretty good just work on the misspellings and some grammar errors. Good luck if you make another one. If you do can you include me in it?:D |
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Just a bit of a question, would you be ok with a romantic sub plot.
A for yes
B for no. |
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This is the most idiotic and bad story ive ever seen
I want u 2 end it, and break ur computer
delete system 52 n any realtek crap
never write again |
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Chapter 5 "Assassin"
"Braxton, Damickey, lock and load we just got a job too do" said Onlo. "Whats up?" questioned braxton. "A base about a mile from here melted down and is now accessible on foot. Were going too check it out, and see if we can make it a bastille of our own." said Onlo. They walked for an hour, no FC contact thankfully. They got too the base. It was in decent condition so they reported too the base, a "cleanout team" too get the base cleaned out. There walking home, until a man fell in front of them. He was wearing a trench coat with a FC logo. They knew he must be trouble, but they did not shoot at it. He then stood up. He had a scarf and an eyepatch. And his remaining eye looked weird. He did not speak. He did not speak. He did not do anything for what felt like minutes. He then drew his weapon. a revolver, he instantly shot at braxton but braxton dodged. "WHAT THE HECK IS YO-!" the masked gun men then shot again but braxton again dodged. The gunman then instantly moved forward punched braxton in the face and aimed his gun at braxtons head at point blank range. But before the gunmen could shoot he was shot in the arm by Onlo, and shot himself in the leg by accident. Damickey and Onlo then unloaded on him. Killing him. "Woah guys thanks, you saved my skin. That guy was going too take my head and run." said braxton. They then continue walking. But the dead man, then came alive!
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REUDJoin Date: 2010-03-31
Post Count: 2940 |
master class |
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Just saying. The next chapter is going too be based completely on the villains. Oh and I very much feel that the second and third one will be better then the first one. More action packed. I have great plans for them. |
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1. paragraphs please
2. you don't use more than one exclamation point. ever. that's stupid.
3. you keep using the wrong "to."
4. you're missing apostrophes.
5. "rhunguin."
6. new speaker, new line.
7. you're missing commas in some places.
8. stop writing sentences in all caps to emphasize.
9. dialogue must always end in punctuation.
10. this feels rushed. a chapter with this kind of content should really be 1000+ words, not 200-400.
[2]
-Clash|UAF Ape|ROOT!- |
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This is great, so far so good. By the way, can i be included in the story? I don't care if its a minor part in the story, It'd just be cool to read about me in chapter 6 or 7 :D |
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Ok, look, I will not be putting ANYONE!!!! in the first book. The only TRA appearances were in the first chapter, and right now there all dead as far as you guys know. But thanks for the compliment. |
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Chapter 6 "Like father like son"
After Braxton, Onlo and Damickey left the scene the silent assassin woke up and spoke his first words. "Seems these refugees will be much more difficult then most of the cream puffs I have murdered, father will be upset about the fact that the 100 year old isn't dead" explained the assassin. He had too walk all the way back too the FC base in the area. After an hour of limping too the base he finally made it. The two door guards saw him "Yumori! are you ok! Call the boss he will want too hear this." Said one of the door guards. In 10 minutes he was in jjjakeys throne room. "F-father...I am sorry I did not kill the older one, they were...too difficult." said Yumoro the assassin. "I saw the video, it was a silly mistake, I made you have human quality a, NOT TOO HAVE HUMAN FAULTS!" Exclaimed jjjakey. "Father please don't send me too the trash heap!" pleaded Yumori. "I promise you. Next time. I will kill him." said Yumori. "We'll ok I will give you another chance. We're planning an invasion. Which will include an air strike and infantry attack, you will be on the ground. And you will bring that TRA too me alive. If you do this for me, I won't have you killed. |
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rhinguinJoin Date: 2009-08-02
Post Count: 15922 |
amazing because im in it
write in word and use spell check, though, please |
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I got to admit, this is a better story than what master wrote back than. However, there is no steady point of view in the story, it's like watching a movie or play or reading a graphic novel because the point of view jumps around so dang much. If I were to make a story, I would type it out on Microsoft word so it can be written with few grammar mistakes. Also, give a little background to the major characters you are representing in the story so we can have an idea of who the are in the story.
My overall opinion, the direction of improvement is heading in the right way. Be sure to type this stuff on word so you can save the work to fix later on. |
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If you guys think this is good, wait until you see the sequels. They will be MUCH more suspenseful and I think the direction the ending will take will shock you. No spoilers though |
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Chapter 7 "Invasion Day"
The first bomb hit in the middle of the night. Most but not all were awoken and rushed too there weapons including Braxton Onlo and Damickey. "What the hell is going on!" yelled Braxton. Another bomb then hit killing at least 10 sleeping men, there life ended without them even knowing there was a threat on there lives. Then the infantry came down, gunning down 5 or more men in mead seconds. Braxton raised his fire stick and let it roar death as FC soldiers went down, 20 of them In a minute. Then another's bomb it, but a counter missile was sent blowing up the cave and causing an avalanche, in seconds the ice and land and snow had smithereens most of the solider. If any battle was going on air support was now out of the question. Or was it. Meanwhile in one of the aircraft. "Yumori your up." said the FC pilot. The assassin that had tried and failed too kill Braxton before has come back for more. Humorist walked too the edge and jumped. When landing he instantly broke through the ice coating. Meanwhile at that point Braxton had awaken from being knocked out by the blast of the middle hitting the ice nuke. Braxton's MP5 was no we're too be
seen so he equipped his WIJ phaser and started moving too find a way out and also find some survivors. Sadly what he found was Yumori holding a Luger. "You look familiar." Said Braxton. "Don't waste time trying too remember me, allow me too refresh your memory. I am the one who tried too kill you but sadly I failed. Pardon me but I don't believe we have been properly introduced. I am Yumori, I am an android built by FC too carry out more discreet matters. Assassinations, kidnappings, info gathering, and massacres. Too make a long story short I am here for you ALIVE." Preached Yumori. "Save it tin can, if you want me come get me." threatened Braxton. Humorist the. Threw a punch that was dodged by Braxton. Braxton the. Threw a sucker punch at Yumori, yumori grabbed his fist and twisted it too the point of breaking it and then shot him in the leg "OW!" Yelped Braxton. Braxton was then on the floor. Yumori then pointed the Luger too the back of Braxton's head. "It could have been much easier." Stated Yurmori. Humorist then hit Braxton in the back of the head the the gun knocking him out. Yumori started too pick up Braxton's body...until getting hit in the back of the head by a gun butt. |
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Chapter 8 "Survival"
The gun butt was from damickeys Barrett 50 caliber sniper rifle. Yumori fell down with a thud revealing Braxton on the ground unconscious. "Oh no, man down!" Yelled Damickey. Onlo then peered over and the two of them picked up Braxton. Braxton was wearing a vest, a long sleeve shirt, and a trench coat. They took him back too a survivor camp that was made under the ice tunnels. The leader Captain Jackson, of the rebels were leading the last survivors 30 in total 12 wounded including Braxton out of here and possibly too a military vantage point. He wanted Onlo and Damickey too care for Braxton. Braxton during his fist fight with Yumori had gotten a mild concussion, a fractured wrist and a bullet wound in the leg, it was not much but Braxton went into a coma due too shock. They planned too stay in the small camp hidden by an ice wall and roof for about 2 weeks, which would most likely give Braxton plenty of time too come out of the coma and heal up. Sure enough he woke up after 4 days and was able too walk and shoot guns and fight and such at 7 days. "The man is remarkable." said Onlo. "I am sure he is just cheating" said Damickey with an unpleasant facial expression. Onlo elbowed Damickey in the arm. "Let's just be happy he is alive, he went into shock. He could have died, now he is up on his feet. We may even win the war with him on our side." Said Onlo. "I hate too break it too you but winning the war against FC is nearly impossible, we may win a few battles but eventually they will drop a well placed nuke on us and kill the whole lot of us. Now we got there attention" said Damickey with a sad tone. "Wrong Damickey, too them we are dead. We blew up when the nukes dropped and the avalanche fell. We are dead." |
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1) Grammar
2) Punctuation
3) Spelling
4) Paragraph
5) Structure
6) This is boring |
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I'm so lost here in plot here. The story isn't getting anywhere. You should have the plot fully thought out before writing this. |
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Its a fast passed story and I now have the rest of the story. Its sequels will be A HELL OF A LOT BETTER. Oh and I am now announcing here and now the names of all the books.
The Frost
Operation Meltdown
The Final Frontier
I will also be posting the last few chapters I have made, and then I will write this books final chapter, and lastly I will collect them all and put them in one forum. This will all be done NOW!! And by tomorrow, I will have the first action scene of Operation Meltdown, by the way, IT IS CRAZY! Meltdown will be an emotional and powerful book. Right now I have most of Meltdown thought out. |
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