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(Now, before reading this. I talk about "struggles" quite a bit. To prevent the "edge :^ ))" comments, no, I do not feel a type of special that is "so different" from anyone else's. After all - this whole culture was pioneered off of so-called "struggles". I just felt like getting up a kind of "story" per se about why I enjoy this genre so much and how it has helped me (quite a bit) through "struggles" of mine. will end this introduction thing with a quote from rapper Godemis from Strange Music group Ces Cru (Just because it's related.) - "Boo-Hoo! You had a rough life as a kid?
What do you want a [F]ing hug homie? All of us did!")
My mom has been bumping pop rappers like Eminem, Ludacris, Nelly, Busta Rhymes and probably a whole bunch of "one hit wonders" since I was young. I always enjoyed the beats backing the track, always enjoyed the flow the rappers produced. It always felt like a different dialect, rhyming over tracks for competition or to deliver spine-chillingly hungry "bars" talking about their life before rap, or during. It was always super interesting to me! So when I was about 9, I started writing very very edgy and bad raps (under a different name, you can probably find it on Deviantart somewhere, would happily link but all I got is a crappy paint picture with the initials of TBM, knowing my edgy self it probably meant 'The Brony Master' or some stupid crap.), as I started to "improve" I took up the name iNOSCOURGE, and rapped more about 'horrorcore' type stuff. Still super edgy, but at least when I changed names I actually rhymed. With the "improve" also came a introduction to the 'rap underground', 'freestyles', 'off the minds' and 'battle rap'. My eyes and mind were so closed to hip-hop before, and it amazed me how much I was missing. I got into rappers, then, like KRS-ONE, oldschool Busta Rhymes, Hopsin, Tech N9ne, Wu-Tang Clan solo projects, N.W.A. solo projects, etc.. My mind was still very closed, but, at least it was a start (right?). I would listen to these, study flows (very badly), study lyrics, and study beats. I would then try to copy what I heard (not directly) and filled up computer harddrives, journals, and iPod notes with raps I made.
But, see. That's when stuff started to happen - at least that I noticed. Bills were being held back constantly, and we would often run low on food. At the time, I lived with my "nana" and mom. I didn't take it as much then, because, I was just a kid, so I left it to the adults.
But as I matured EVEN more, I wanted to help, because I knew it wasn't normal, and that if a mistake was made, we could end up homeless or something like that, which frightened me, not as much as it does NOW, but it still scared my young mind.
I got kind of emo, and had some problems, that i won't say here because to this day, they bother me a lot, because the decisions i made were stupid as hell, and hurt my family. *I* hurt my family. But, with the emo-ness I started writing even more horrorcore stuff, that were probably like a switchblade when it came to edge.
Hardcore Roblox player at the time though, I met some people that I added on Facebook, met this dude named BJ(forgot the numbers in his Roblox name), real name Brendan, and his rap name Rey~Jey. He showed me a few of his raps when I told him I "partake" in rap (at the time thinking it was nothing but a hobby, nothing worth pursuing.) and I admired him. Asking for collab after collab, each and every day. He would write verses for my horrocore stuff, and I would look up to him after because they were so much better than mine. Horrorcore wasn't really his thing though, he started (or, I noticed) that he was writing other stuff, and it made me look up to him even more. I *still* look up to him, and hope that when his project is out, I can get a feature verse on it, and show him how much I have improved.
Like a year and a half after meeting Rey~Jey I found that Roblox had a "rap community" and I figured "why not". So I partook in battle rap on here, M-4 found me, thought I was super dope, and I was like "cool!". I then got "signed" to Thunder Records, and stuff went on from there.
I then went through another style change as I delved into more 'underground hip-hop', the new flow (my current flow) is like a mix between hard hitting east coast artists like Joey Bada$$ and Nine, mixed with abstract lyrics and vocal patterns of people like Aesop Rock, El-P, and Earl Sweatshirt. I got a lot more respect after this change, and it felt good for a while.
Until, I noticed that no one can actually hear me, and it's super hard to record for me, because whenever I try something happened (currently, got a soar throat and nose, and it's preventing me from flowing correctly..), or it always just came out really bad. I then furthered myself away from "ro-rap" as I could, but, still posted lyrics because I have nothing better to do.
Since this new flow though, my family has been struggling a lot more than before, I live with my step-dad, and mom (still). My mom can't work because she has something called 'Fibromyalgia'. Basically, what that is - is: Emulate pain on your arm, doesn't hurt much, right? She feels that 10x worse. and almost any tiny movement hurts, but she gets through it. Until, she gets a "flare" which starts up her Fibro, but A LOT worse. She can't work because it's too much, she tries, but she just misses too many days. I'm pretty sure it was from a tiny car crash we had. I wasn't hurt, and neither was my step-dad, physically, but, my mom showed new pains than before. My step-dad has it the hardest though, we recently moved to California because he was promised a pay raise, and a pay raise after that first week, and then etcetera. 2-3 months in though and he hasn't gotten anything, and he constantly monologues his "selfishness" for wanting more sleep because he only sleeps about 3 hours each day. It annoys both me, and mom, but we put up with it because he's just in a lot of stress. We barely get enough money for food, or any "fun" stuff. And he constantly has to get new gas - that his work will not supply money for even though it's for work (It sounds like that wouldn't be a thing, but trust me, it should be applied here. For all the crap he has to do.). So, we go on struggling with money, where do i come into this though, it sounds like they're the ones who are having it bad? They have it worse, but I'm always left with the feeling that I can't work until I get in highschool (one more grade), which I won't be able to do next year, because I KNOW I'm going to get held back. I have CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), and I'm constantly tired from the simplest things, and my immune system is really bad, so I get sick and too tired to go to school, CONSTANTLY. Pushing myself to go, only makes things worse, so I don't tend to fight it because I don't want something to happen that'll hurt OTHER people.
I always offer help for money, selling my stuff, trying to find a lawn job or garbage job (which don't really happen anymore), selling "stuff" (I'm sure you can fill in the blanks), or just in general trying to assist in my step-dads work (help him out a bit and stuff).
The idea of being homeless, or going to a foster home scares me more than my actual fears. Sometimes I feel like holding sets down if it'll get me some extra money, I could easily do so as well, I got connects all over for everything.
I put it off because if I were to get caught, it could cost my family A LOT more, and I don't want to risk it.
How does this relate to hip-hop? It relates because hip-hop is my OUTLET. I apply it to everything, even my daily life. I constantly write, even with writer's block, I constantly study flows and lyrics, constantly download instrumentals and stuff for djing. It makes me feel better knowing most rappers have if not the same situation as me, then a different type of struggle. It helps me through knowing I'm not the only one that goes through stuff like that.
Hip-Hop is a massive amount of Dopamine for me. It can make me feel sad, make me feel puzzled, make me feel energetic, make me feel inspired, make me feel like I'm unique, etc. It's amazing to me how something so simple as rhymes applied to a beat with some gritty or light vocals make me feel so amazing.
I constantly debate on Hip-Hop, or write about it. It's amazing how much the community has different opinions on stuff, and I use that to my advantage.
I always freestyle, cypher, and battle in real life. Hoping to get noticed and so I can help my parents more, physically. I post my lyrics online for all to see, and so far, I've had a UK Radio add me to a list for "people to look out for", then removed, but I felt so excited for that.
Don't know if it relates to my rapping, or they were just random follows on Twitter, but I've also gotten the likes of Bishop Lamont, N.W.A.'s MC REN, and Digital Underground to follow me on Twitter. I'd like to think they saw my raps and thought I was dope. But, it could be random follows or they liked the content on my page.
I hope to look back on the "struggle" days one day and laugh it off, with my family living in a nice house, and me living in a separate nice house. I'm not interested in some crappy jewels to put around my neck, I just want to help my family, and do something I love and am inspired from while doing that.
I literally breathe hip-hop. Without it I'd probably be dead, honestly.
As I said in the intro, I don't feel any more special from my "struggles", nor do I feel that my "struggles" top other struggles. Hell, I have friends who live without electricity in their house because of this. Do you think I have it THAT bad? Homelessness is always a constant fear of mine, but I feel I'll be alright.
After all, I have hip-hop to guide me through these tough times.
TL;DR
poor people and hip-hop. |