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Catucus
#171599861Tuesday, August 18, 2015 4:01 AM GMT

Thine fairness 'twas not a rose petal picked; But a thorn on which my heart's finger pricked. Thine insight 'twas not a set mind's display; But a call to join thine internal fray. And to thine call, I did answer with haste; Lest all thine true truthfulness be erased. Alas, erased it had already been; Truth giving way to the untruth unseen. Once ago, I fell thee our Crimson Tree; But now, this day, I doth fall free of thee. With mine fall I doth mount the brazen sky; Soaring high, glowing now, to see thee by. Far above the newborn clouds do I gaze; Down below to thine world of hidden praise. For I view thee now as your flower grows; Once again it sprung from a night's 'morrow. Shorn thorns and petals nimbly dancing from; Thine fairness and towards the setting sun. Now with time befalling me, I do think; One thought that thought to make my insides shrink: If only then I'd made an altered choice; Then at present thou could make speak thine voice, "Mine unfairness 'twas not a chosen trick; But a torn heart's whole and only lyric!"
teslobo
#171600037Tuesday, August 18, 2015 4:03 AM GMT

The outdated words aren't particularly necessary.
Catucus
#171600080Tuesday, August 18, 2015 4:04 AM GMT

I found them necessary so as to communicate the particular aesthetic.
teslobo
#171600225Tuesday, August 18, 2015 4:05 AM GMT

In that case you've half-assed it. You've got a weird mash of the old and the modern.
Catucus
#171600348Tuesday, August 18, 2015 4:06 AM GMT

Again, purposeful. Perhaps it doesn't read right. I'll edit. :)
teslobo
#171600471Tuesday, August 18, 2015 4:08 AM GMT

Idk, it doesn't feel right. I can't imagine what you're aiming for unless it's conveying Shakespeare to 10 year olds.
ArchonAegis
#171600541Tuesday, August 18, 2015 4:08 AM GMT

sounds like a poem
teslobo
#171600646Tuesday, August 18, 2015 4:10 AM GMT

What about the discourse? What did you intend there?
ThisIsLala
#171600794Tuesday, August 18, 2015 4:11 AM GMT

i thought of this poem: roses are red violets are blue if you post on c&g from jc c&g will eat you being a girl makes it worse its my c&g curse this poem is bad dont make me mad or you will taste my sword okay, i tried my poem explains why i dont post on c&g much....
Negativeone
#171600872Tuesday, August 18, 2015 4:12 AM GMT

Haikus are easy They take almost no effort Get over yourself
iKeno
#171601020Tuesday, August 18, 2015 4:13 AM GMT

hrm it seems to be trying to combine modern with something like olden words. i'd recommend just sticking to one genre.
teslobo
#171601048Tuesday, August 18, 2015 4:14 AM GMT

Ikr? Five syllables here And seven syllables here Are you happy now?

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