As a little poem, the repetition at the beginning of each sentence is a good idea. As song lyrics, well, as it is now, it doesn't have that sort of rhyme aspect that songs usually have (I mean, Stressed out by twenty one pilots has that no rhyme thing at the beginning but there was a purpose for it there). Maybe re-word the sentences to make them have the same meaning, but include that rhyme aspect that songs have.
All you really need is rhyme, tbh. The idea is good and should be developed further, and if this ever becomes a song, it'd be cool to listen to. |