I don't have too much time at the moment, but from what I read, you're at am amazing start. Two things I did notice from the short section were not noticeable, it's just that my English teacher was amazing. :)
Succinct writing is generally okay, and many acclaimed writers use this, but put a long sentence in there every once in a while to have nuance. Also, try to transition into the different beats slower, I felt kind of rushed, especially a few paragraphs in as troops were already beating on his door.
If you haven't read it already, I'd consider 1984, at least the beginning. It's a classic and an amazing format for the type of piece you're writing.
If you'd like me to writer more, I'd be fine with that. ;)
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