tumpi2000Join Date: 2012-04-11
Post Count: 2855 |
I put something I wrote on Wattpad for the first time. I'm rather doing that to "test the waters" and see if the place is approrpiate for my bigger projects.
Anyway, I'd really, really appreciate if some of you could take a look at it and maybe post some comments of short reviews of it!
Link: http*s:*//ww*w.*wat*tpad.*com/sto*ry/92881*255-board-meeting
Remove the *'s.
Thanks a lot in advance, I really appreciate it! :)
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KiritsuguJoin Date: 2013-08-16
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kl
nani sore? 🐙 ★—_— ♠ 🔫 |
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tumpi2000Join Date: 2012-04-11
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totally |
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tumpi2000Join Date: 2012-04-11
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fdsa |
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spIashesJoin Date: 2010-07-01
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write one for proelio and polonium
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tumpi2000Join Date: 2012-04-11
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From all places, it had to be C&G. |
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tumpi2000Join Date: 2012-04-11
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@Fel
If it were a KL it wouldn't appear so many times and I would be term'd. |
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tumpi2000Join Date: 2012-04-11
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asd |
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Z007Join Date: 2010-09-14
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not a kl, wattpad is legit why on earth would you put asterisks after ### ### - your friendly neighborhood medical nerd |
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tumpi2000Join Date: 2012-04-11
Post Count: 2855 |
^^^^^^^
truth |
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Z007Join Date: 2010-09-14
Post Count: 11729 |
identify the characters as soon as they come in, then don't use their full####e####y often
i.e., "Michael Steward, the CEO of (insert the company here so the reader has a little context), accused Jeffrey...
then follow that sentence with a brief intro of jeffrey
"Director of the ___ department, Jeffrey Stewart knew that his days on the board were numbered."
some sentences are a bit choppy
"After spending a few more moments..." omit "more"
when the dialogue is (quote) (person who said it) rather than (person who said it) (quote), it should end in a comma rather than a period
i.e., "'Come quickly; we don't have much time.' Jim said." is incorrect; it should be "Jim retorted, 'Come quickly; we don't have much time.'" or "'Come quickly; we don't have much time,'" Jim said.
i'm at the "Really, Eric?!" part and i have no idea what's going on - right now it seems like a super dry, very common corporate debate
assuming you pick up the story in the middle or something, you should actually have some foreshadowing to captivate the reader
rather than starting from 0 and going to 100 (the pinnacle of the story), go from like 80-100 back down to 0, then build it back up
i.e., let's say Jeffrey kills the CEO in the middle of the book
because nothing's captivating the reader in the beginning, you'd start off the book by mentioning something about the death - "Jeffrey stood over Stewart's body (insert rest of sentence here)" or something like that
a comma should always follow a direct address
also, i have no idea who the narrator is - is eric a boardmember? the ceo's assistant? build your characters
skipped to the bottom because i was bored
yup, someone dies
cliche
- your friendly neighborhood medical nerd |
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tumpi2000Join Date: 2012-04-11
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@Z007
Sent a PM. |
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as |
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z |
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