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WhispersAndEchoes
#208674060Tuesday, January 31, 2017 11:53 PM GMT

GO ALL OUT I NEED THE FEEDBACK The young fragile boy woke up in a rather small, dark, musty room. As his eyes adjusted to the light coming from a crepuscular lamp on ground, the boy noticed that the floor was broken rubble and dirt. A strange smell lingered around, consisting of wildflowers and death. The smell confused the boy, seeing as it greatly reminded him of his aunts heavy perfume that she always sprayed around her house. Normally, the smell annoyed him greatly, but it held nothing but comfort during this moment. Brushing his dirty blonde hair out of his eyes, the boy attempted to get up, but to his dismay, a pounding migraine rang through his mind and his wobbly legs gave out. His misty green eyes scanned the room that surrounded him. The cement walls were crumbling and a blanket of moss lay over them. It was as if the room hasn't tasted a touch of humanity in centuries. The boy then noticed two doors, one on his left, one on his right. The left door was coloured a bright crimson red, the boy's favourite colour. Looking at the door gave the boy a strange warm feeling, one he hadn't felt before. He couldn't quite describe it but it made him feel happy and safe inside. The right door was coloured a pristine blue and held a crisp cold air to it that seemed to clear the boy's migraine. It seemed to soothe the boy's trembling hands, as if it were his mother cooing him to sleep. The boy looked anxiously between both doors and wondered which one would be the safest. Suddenly a booming voice came from behind him. "Choose a door." The voice startled the boy and made him jump. Where was he? The boy looked down at himself and saw that his hands were caked with blood. In his stomach was a bullet wound. Suddenly the boy remembered. He had been in class, working on his math when a man dressed in all black had burst into the classroom holding a gun. Behind him followed five other men who also had guns. Without hesitation, the group of men open fired. The boy was one of the first to be shot. Tears sprang into his eyes as memories of the pain the bullet brought ran through him. He remembered thinking his mom was there telling him it was going to be alright, but she had died two years ago from cancer. The boy turned around to see a man in a neat black suit standing behind him. He had dark hair and his eyes were a dark brown. His skin was pale yet flawless. The boy thought maybe he was angel of some sort. In his left hand, he held a weapon that was made of a long thin pole with a hooked blade at the end of it. "A-Am I dead?" The boy's voice whimpered. The man before him chuckled. "That's what it looks like buddy. Now you've gotta pick a door. Whichever one seems most comfortable." His tone was soft and gentle, as if he pitied the poor boy. The boy looked again at the doors. The red one reminded him of home and grandma. It gave a comfortable feeling. But the blue one reminded him of his mom. Oh how he missed his mom. Without realizing it, the boy began to crawl towards the blue door. It opened before him and the boy soon found himself leaving the crumbled cement room and into a room full of cold light. Death watched as the door closed behind the boy and sighed as he ran his hand through his hair. "He chose the wrong door."
timthegreat2salt
#208674521Tuesday, January 31, 2017 11:59 PM GMT

There were a couple areas where you could have worded it a bit better. Also, it seems almost like you went through with a thesaurus and changed some of the words. Also, why is the last sentence in quotation marks?
timthegreat2salt
#208674623Wednesday, February 01, 2017 12:00 AM GMT

Not too bad.
WhispersAndEchoes
#208674704Wednesday, February 01, 2017 12:01 AM GMT

"There were a couple areas where you could have worded it a bit better. " Figured as much. Still have to revise it more. "Also, it seems almost like you went through with a thesaurus and changed some of the words." I surprisingly did not do that with this piece. "Also, why is the last sentence in quotation marks?" It's the character speaking.
timthegreat2salt
#208674881Wednesday, February 01, 2017 12:04 AM GMT

Why is a character saying "he" instead of "I" if it's the kid or "you" if it is death? Is there a third party?
WhispersAndEchoes
#208675063Wednesday, February 01, 2017 12:06 AM GMT

"Why is a character saying "he" instead of "I" if it's the kid or "you" if it is death? Is there a third party?" No no no it's just Death speaking to himself to imply that the boy chose the wrong door. You know when you do or see something or someone do something wrong and you sort of mumble to yourself? That's what I'm implying.
VitoDonatelli
#208684790Wednesday, February 01, 2017 1:57 AM GMT

my only complaint is it's too descriptive, to the point where it becomes inorganic Here are all asleep. There is no one to evaluate your funny jokes.
WhispersAndEchoes
#208686416Wednesday, February 01, 2017 2:15 AM GMT

'my only complaint is it's too descriptive, to the point where it becomes inorganic' That's just me trying to make it longer but I get what you mean.
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#208687068Wednesday, February 01, 2017 2:22 AM GMT

[rfa#hidefromsearch]
WhispersAndEchoes
#208765348Thursday, February 02, 2017 2:04 AM GMT

'Let me give you a good tip for your writing. If you continue to add to it simply to make it longer, the quality will go down. Only add to a piece when you know that what you are adding is an overall improvement." I know I know There's only so much you can do to a story before you ruin it and it becomes just awful.
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#208765591Thursday, February 02, 2017 2:07 AM GMT

[rfa#hidefromsearch]
TheFunToothyDeer
#208770548Thursday, February 02, 2017 2:58 AM GMT

Too long. 𝕾𝖓𝖔𝖔𝖕 𝕯𝖔𝖌𝖌 𝖎𝖘 𝖙𝖍𝖊 𝖗𝖊𝖑𝖎𝖌𝖎𝖔𝖓 𝖙𝖔 𝖋𝖔𝖑𝖑𝖔𝖜 𝖇𝖞 𝖆𝖑𝖑 𝖆𝖓𝖉 𝖆𝖓𝖞 𝖒𝖊𝖆𝖓𝖘.
lewisclabby
#208807176Thursday, February 02, 2017 5:09 PM GMT

it reads a bit like dan brown which isn't bad because despite what people say i quite enjoy dan brown books, even if they aren't the best written things ever.
WhispersAndEchoes
#208819398Thursday, February 02, 2017 9:56 PM GMT

"I thought I'd also let you know I am waiting until the weekend to read it because I have too much work during the week ;)" Oh boy "Too long." It's not even 1000 words. "it reads a bit like dan brown which isn't bad because despite what people say i quite enjoy dan brown books, even if they aren't the best written things ever." Not sure what that is but I'll take it as a compliment
WhispersAndEchoes
#208883155Friday, February 03, 2017 9:30 PM GMT

Bump

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