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Yea, story. Grade me, would 'ja?
~~~
I walked down the cold, dark hallways. I finaly muster the courage to ask
"Hello...? Is anyone there...?"; When I am pushed facefirst into the hard tile, breaking my nose, blood leaking from it. I feel an icy grip on my ankles, and am slowly dragged along the tiles, the blood coming out of my face soiling everything I slowly slide past. I cry for help to an imaginary friend. He was already dead.
"That was four years ago. It was a dare between my friends, to go into the old house on the outskirts of town. Josh and I were decided to go in, stay the night. The others would be outside, lock the doors, and leave us in there for 12 hours. At night." I say, remebering it. My cousens look at me with big eyes, my best friend Luke sitting on the bed.
"Please tell us more, Ben!" One finaly pipes up from the end of the bed, the nurse "Hushing" him from behind her desk, sorting my pills.
"Please tell us more, Ben." He says in a quieter tone.
~~~
WOW! I did realy learn a thing or two from school! |
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Comments, critiqe, penut gallery...? Anything? Comon! This was hard to write! |
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Can I post a story I wrote? |
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TAKER38Join Date: 2008-04-08
Post Count: 15210 |
Short, but it works. |
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That was chapter one.
And, yea. Post a story. |
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Trembling, I looked up and saw the sky light up with thunder. Rain soaked me to the bone and pounded on windows. Holding my breath, I advanced to the old wooden house. Slowly, I raised my hand to the rusted doorknob. I turned it slightly, then I quickly opened it all the way. Inside, it was pitch black. I carefully stepped inside. Before I could go five steps, the door suddenly slammed loudly behind me. I ran back to it and pounded on the door. It wouldn't budge. Suddenly, I heard something behind me. Something that sounded like a hiss. I slowly turned around. Then I couldn't contain my horror as a pair of huge red eyes hovered in front of me. I pressed against the door and screamed as the eyes floated closer.... closer.... closer.......
What do you think? |
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TAKER38Join Date: 2008-04-08
Post Count: 15210 |
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SkyLightJoin Date: 2008-07-10
Post Count: 12567 |
@Goopessa: I can spot a few grammar errors, but other than that, it was good. I like the imagery; I was really able to visualize the scene.
@Bobman: Same goes to you, too. I see a few grammar mistakes that you should've went back to, but the story was still good. I could visualize the scene in my head. |
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KyundiJoin Date: 2008-04-04
Post Count: 28767 |
Peanut Gallery?
Okay
Here we have a fine example of the rare Arabian peanut, followed by the English and Scottish peanuts.
PEANUT GALLERY! |
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Skylight: Ok thx. Glad you liked it
Kyundi: lolololo |
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TAKER38Join Date: 2008-04-08
Post Count: 15210 |
Did anyone look at my link? |
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*Shank*
@Goose
Very vived, good, and flows. Sounds like living hell to me. ^^ |
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hahahahahahaha thx. I'm glad you guys liked it. |
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SkyLightJoin Date: 2008-07-10
Post Count: 12567 |
@Kyundi: lol. |
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ZarolaTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2008-03-30
Post Count: 20189 |
You should work on your sentences. For the most part, they're not constructed well and some have errors.
Ex:
I finaly muster the courage to ask
"Hello...? Is anyone there...?"; When I am pushed facefirst into the hard tile, breaking my nose, blood leaking from it.
would be better (and in some places, correct) as
I finally muster the courage to ask, "Hello...? Is anyone there...?" before I am pushed face first into the hard tile, breaking my nose. Blood leaked from it.
These are the kind of things that ruin or improve stories. Of course, you could be more descriptive, too, but your description was fine.
I finally muster the courage to ask, "Hello...? Is anyone there?" before I am thrust face first into the dense tile, breaking my nose. Blood gushed from it.
I haven't yet read your other one, but I will.
I'll read Goopessa's now. |
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SkyLightJoin Date: 2008-07-10
Post Count: 12567 |
What about this story?
Bob ate stinky cheese smell like goat
THE END
JK. rofl XD |
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*cries* "A true masterpiece." |
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ZarolaTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2008-03-30
Post Count: 20189 |
As for Goopessa, it wasn't as bad as far as the errors go. You used the words "suddenly" and "slowly" a lot, which made the attempt to be scary forced.
As far as the actual story goes, it's cliche.
Oh, yeah, and the story in the OP's. The story itself was pretty good. The opening sentence was dull for me, and I didn't want to keep reading, but there's potential for a great story. |
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TAKER38Join Date: 2008-04-08
Post Count: 15210 |
I agree with Zarola except for the changing up the leaking blood to gushing blood. Gushing is overused sometimes when you think of liquid. |
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ZarolaTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2008-03-30
Post Count: 20189 |
Gushing is overused sometimes when you think of liquid.
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Leaking is used more often when it comes to blood, I would think.
And think about it. If you were pushed face first onto HARD TILE, and your nose BROKE, it wouldn't be leaking. Blood would coming out of your nose in a pretty large quantity. Even if gushing IS overused, it's more fitting. |
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