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"I had been playing on Roblox for over a year now and I have seen quite a few odd names guests like "Guest 1337" and "Guest 1" but I did not expect to see "Guest 666". I was at an obby stuck on lava jumps like always. I was all alone until a guest entered the game. The screen froze for a second and what was once "Guest 8527" became "Guest 666". I shivered at the sight. I left the game and was so terrified. I went on the forums and decided to post about it when I got a party request from "Guest 666". I was no freaked. Guest couldn't send parties. I accepted and typed "GO AWAY YOU HACKER!". He said nothing for a few minutes until he said to follow him. So I did. There were 5 other people at the place which I assumed to be others being haunted by this assumed hacker. I took a screenshot to show to my friends this crazy sight. The guest typed in the chat "Hello, I am your nightmare...." He went on and on and on. I left the game and the party. I checked my post on the fourms. I saw it had one reply. It was from telamon. It stated "Guest 666 is not real. I will close this thread". I didn't believe this on bit. I thought about it an relized that he is hiding something. I checked the screenshot but it was not what I had taken. It was my dear mother, my only living family member hung. I screamed and ran downstairs to see it was real. I began to cry when I heard one little thing. It was the door. I felt breathing on my neck. It was him. He said with his evil voice "I am not real...". It was obvious he was quoting the thread. I screamed and realized I was in a hospital. I was so scared. This is the final time I will be writing this. He is here...."
This is the case I had gotten in the mail. I checked out this game called "ROBLOX" and as soon as I logged in "he" sent me a party.
(Opinions and should I write more?) |
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FakebunzJoin Date: 2008-02-07
Post Count: 17321 |
Your writing style really isn't "perfected", as you began the whole story in quotation marks. Quotation marks only go around words when someone is speaking in your story. You also don't need a period after the end of your sentence if it already has a ending punctuation mark;
Ex) "GO AWAY YOU HACKER!".
Another thing; don't transition so quickly.
Ex) I screamed and realized I was in a hospital.
You never said HOW exactly you got to the hospital. Did the neighbors hear you scream and called 911? If you had no memory of it, you could just say, for instance, that "everything went black and I woke up in a hospital bed with no memory of the incident".
But, my overall opinion of this really matters on the subject; ROBLOX. You honestly can't make a good creepypasta on ROBLOX, no matter how many times people have tried.
If you fix these mistakes and pick a, well, better subject to write about, I think it'd come out better.
(And yes, I am a Grammar Natzi.) |
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Thank you for the opinions! |
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xxglueyxxJoin Date: 2012-06-17
Post Count: 21 |
Derp |
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what the hell is a natzi? |
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AznIsBackJoin Date: 2006-07-23
Post Count: 19111 |
It's a see not. |
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Slime2345Join Date: 2010-04-29
Post Count: 2656 |
He is trying to pass through the filter guis. |
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timpookieJoin Date: 2011-08-18
Post Count: 21924 |
So-so. I can't really see how this was supposed to be scary, but it's an interesting basis for a story.
The Bannanachairs have all been revived from the dead! Yay! |
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AznIsBackJoin Date: 2006-07-23
Post Count: 19111 |
You need to fix your spelling, punctuation, and grammar. |
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I know right this guys grammar is horrible. |
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mageofpowerTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2009-02-01
Post Count: 43654 |
This would be the part where I insult the story for being terrible. But OP has already done that. 'Tis no fun ridiculing something even the author realizes is bad. So, work hard. Practice and get better I suppose. I'm not good at giving advice. |
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this is from 2012 dudes (two years ago) |
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i am guest 666
many people believe i am fake
screw them |
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rose6666Join Date: 2011-06-19
Post Count: 6541 |
this is so hot |
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It's awesome, but maybe cut back on the "I was so scared" or "I was crying"
Maybe use more vivid adjectives and make it more detailed.
Love the Creepypasta Idea though! |
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I began to cry when I heard one little thing. It was the door. I felt breathing on my neck. It was him. He said with his mighty voice "Its r@ping time" |
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Mazen1557Join Date: 2014-06-25
Post Count: 23 |
I'm never going to play alone again 0-0 |
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this is terrible
and i've seen guest 666 multiple times in the past 3 days
they're common
now if you're a radical guest trainer like me, you have a shiny legendary guest with perfect stats. |
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AznIsBackJoin Date: 2006-07-23
Post Count: 19111 |
whoa dude that's me from back then. |
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bump
Im just a kid who's four each day I grow some more |
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