mageofpowerTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2009-02-01
Post Count: 43654 |
Hey, I have to write a short novel for English class and decided to come here looking for constructive criticism. Any advice would be great as well as comments both positive and negative, I know it is rather long for a typical post here but I would ask that you stick through with it till the end. I am not finished and will be writing the rest shortly I would just like your feedback, thanks. I'm going to regret this...anyway without further a due...
The Typewriter
About one hours drive from Las Vegas sat a small lonely village
that sat between two small moutains named Westwood. A traveler may walk
away from this town with the illusion it is as average as a town can
be. It housed a library along with a school where the children
spent most of their days. But to the more preceptive eyes one might
notice something odd about this little town. More specifically, something
odd about a small cabin hidden amongst the mountains to the east. This
cabin housed a man by the who goes by "Adam Richards." A strange fellow,
who spends most of his days hidden away in his primitive cabin ignoring
the outside world as best he can. In return the locals have learnt to
leave him in peace. Nobody truly knew his story, save for Adam himself
of course. His past is shoruded in a complex web of lies and deceit but
that is not what we are here to discuss. Instead we are here to discuss
the present, the strange perplexing course events that are going on as
we speak.
I approached my lone cabin, once it stood proud at the top of
this mountain, overlooking the town I call my home, but weather is a
cruel mistress and now my cabin was hardly more than a shack, a single
storm away from breaking apart completely. Kicking the door in I drop
the supplies onto the my couch promptly heading towards the room I
spent most of my life in. The study. It was a bare, depressing room
occupied but a single desk that held my most prized treasure. An old
fashion type writer passed down from my father who gave me a strange
warning along with it.
"There is something inside this....don't let it control you."
What a strange remark, it was simply a typewriter I always thought. But my father truly did seem to fear this typewriter... why? Plopping down in my hard wooden chair I adjust my seat until it's comfortable then look over the typewriter. It certaintly didn't seem strange. It was old and worn, somebody had obviously used it quite
frequently in the past but it seemed like any other. Shoving back my
fathers warning I rub my hands and insert a piece of blank piece of
paper staring at it racking my brain for an idea. Although I did not believe
it to be haunted as my father thought It did seemed to have the unusual
gift of planting unquie and creative stories inside my head. I never
was much of an author, my English teacher said I
would never account to anything. Well my stash of novels hidden in a
box under my bed proved her wrong. Sadly I lacked the courage to display
my novels and was simply forced to admire them alone. But now is not
the time to think of the past, I must write! A basic premise pops into
my head almost instantly, a poor out of work teacher spends the rest of
his money in Las Vegas only to win big and become one of the
richest most influental men in America. Not my best idea but I like it.
Slowly clicking the keys I begin to write seemingly falling
Into a trance for hours not noticing as the time drifts away until It the sun had fallen and the moon had arisen casting a pale light through my one window. Looking over the story I smile with glee. I had expanded far beyond my orginal premise and wrote a very good story. Rising from the chair I stretch and wander towards my living room kicking the food I had fetched a couple hours ago onto the hardwood floor and lay upon the sofa, looking around until I found my television remote and turn my television on. The news channel, I didn't get much up here so I guess It would have to do. I leave it running as I search through the food I had gathered for something to quell the aching in my stomach. Suddenly I stop my search and stare up at the television a mixture of shock and confusion on my face. At a glance the story currently playing didn't seem to be of much interest. But listening closely sends chills down my spine as the story plays out.
"We are here with Jonathan, who has just won one of the largest amounts of money in recent memory, Jonathan tell America about the events that transpired just a couple hours ago!" The camera pans over to a young middle aged man who was obviously overjoyed,
"Thanks! Yes I just lost my job and came here looking for some money and just couldn't stop wining! It was like somebody was guiding me along as I played, helping me!" The camrea moves back revealing the reporter her words lost on me, what was it they said? Why that news article seemed exactly as the novel I had just begun to write!
"No, no this is just a coincidence," Shutting off the tv I head to my room, struggling to discover an answer to this strange coincidence. |
|
mageofpowerTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2009-02-01
Post Count: 43654 |
My goodness FINALLY! Gah I must of spent twenty minutes trying to figure out what word was breaking the rules. There needs to be some type of feature that tells you what words in your post are breaking the rules. |
|
podraptorJoin Date: 2008-10-13
Post Count: 19826 |
I know that "ne.stled" is filtered for some odd reason. |
|
mageofpowerTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2009-02-01
Post Count: 43654 |
My god....How...How did you....How? I...What? How did you know what word is filtered? |
|
|
Well, I found out when I tried using that word before.
Pod probably found out the same way. |
|
mageofpowerTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2009-02-01
Post Count: 43654 |
Yeah, I only realized what was going on when I thought back to another occasion where I had the exact same problem. |
|
|
And, I assume they won't tell you what word is filtered because you might try to get by the filter with periods and whatnot.
Which I do anyways, even if I do have to search for the word. :3 |
|
mageofpowerTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2009-02-01
Post Count: 43654 |
Yeah good point. Though It is quite annoying when I construct a post such as this one and spend a bunch of time combing through my post trying to piece together what exactly is blocking me from posting. |
|
|
Quite good, and yes I have been also filtered for that word when I did a survival role play... |
|
mageofpowerTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2009-02-01
Post Count: 43654 |
Aw, only one piece of criticism? Anybody else? I would really appreciate what anybody has to say. |
|
|
I haven't read it yet, but all I have to say is: You're so lucky. You get to write whatever you want :I
All we get to write is philosophical 5 page essays on what "Faith" means. |
|
mageofpowerTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2009-02-01
Post Count: 43654 |
Ouch, I hate writing about something I have no interest in. Saps all my creativity. |
|
|
Yep. That might explain why I practically fail english every year. |
|
|
We had to write a 20-page essay on our first grade year in our composition books for English...
...I wrote 6 pages. :3 But that's still an 81. o; |
|
|
I found it to be a very amusing read.
However I noticed; "as the time drifts away until IT the sun had fallen"
I am assuming the word it is left over form some edit or revision or something, and you simply forgot to take it out of the post.
"..thought It did seemed to have the unusual gift of planting unquie"
The word "it" shouldn't be capitalized, I believe, and you misspelled the word 'unique.'
Other than those awfully minor awkward errors, I found the piece very well written. Good job.
|
|
mageofpowerTop 100 PosterJoin Date: 2009-02-01
Post Count: 43654 |
Thanks, and yes I have to admit this is just a rough draft. I did go over it a couple times before posting but I must of missed a couple things. Thanks for bringing that to my attention. |
|
|
( Tai, that must have sucked. I can hardly hand-write more than a few sentences at a time, let alone twenty pages. )
I would also like to compliment the semi-cliffhanger ending you tied in there, as much as I hate those kinds of endings. You certainly made me inclined to think further about the plot after reading this. |
|