iC7GJoin Date: 2013-01-30
Post Count: 5377 |
Dear subjects of the world, today I would like to tell you about something very bad. Flashlights. They may look good to you right now, but if you read all of this, and I mean all of this, you will change your mind and begin to think more like me, or a true bagelist at least. Now, let us begin with the long and tedious journey to change your mind about these evil machines they call "flashlights".
First, you must understand and assume this. That bagels are the superior food, better even than cereal, and that we are against evil everywhere. Now, Royal Bagel made light. He made sure that bagels were the only true source of light, and that nothing else could illuminate anything. However, there was this concept of lightbulbs and artificial light. Little do normal fools know that they aren't powered by "electricity" (myth), but bagels. The bagels are stored in a secret compartment deep in a dark cave where Legit Bagel has a secret command center and it is very good that it is kept secret because if it wasn't people would know.
Now, he allowed most artificial forms of light (we're still talking about Royal Bagel here), however, the FLASHLIGHT was against this. It was not bagel powered, and hence is against bagelism. See, flashlights use these things called "batteries". But these were EVIL. They were not bagel powered. They were DOUGHNUT POWERED!!!! This was an attempt by the evil doughnuts to make war with bagelism and to bring in more doughnut powered materials. Still, kind subject of bagels, do not worry about this, bagels still control almost everything and we are fiercely protesting doughnuts because they are bad. We are still fighting the good fight and winning the good war against the Arch Doughnut, the arch enemy of Royal Bagel. Legit Bagel are on the front lines fighting with the evil things called "doughnuts" and proving that we are winning. What about Dunkin' Doughnuts, you ask? Not that that's on topic, but we are already sending Legit Bagel spies into them. They are the biggest customers there. COPS. And you thought they just wanted a snack? They're heroes. Another fun fact that you should know, all criminals are doughnut lovers, organized together to provide for an enemy to Legit Bagel. All cops, soldiers, and everyone who is good guy is officially a Legit Bagel- some without even knowing it. Now, shall we get back on topic? There is so much to discuss.
Flashlights. These are doughnut powered. We can't tolerate this anymore. These are very evil, and everyone involved with flashlights should be punished. We are protesting flashlights, and will NOT be tolerating them. All flashlights are banned. It is the "f word" for Legit Bagel. Nobody except for Bagelists may say "flashlight" or they must be punished. Everything that offers flashlights must be punished, and will be taken to Bagel Court. Flashlights are an important issue for us, and we do not plan to step down anytime. We will continue our war on flashlights until they are removed. Lanterns are acceptable, by the way. They are bagel powered, and provide a much better lighting alternative to flashlights, because flashlights are so much worse and provide a false source of light, while lanterns provide a true source of light to fuel people's late night journey to the land of bagels.
The Legit Bagels are superior to all other types of pastries, but and seek to destroy others. There are no alliances between bagels and other pastries, though there are between doughnuts and other pastries, we don't do that. All others are crushed because they are evil, but none presents a threat except for the doughnut. The French are also enemies of Legit Bagel, as they created "crossaints" and that is against our policy for pastries. However, Legit Bagel has spies in france too, ready to perform acts of bagelism, such as going to the Eiffel Tower, and dropping bagel propoganda leaflets. This is good for bagelism and the image of it because it deters the French from doughnuts, too. And they are starting to use less flashlights, which means that bagelism is winning. This infuriates Arch Doughnut, and he sends more doughnuts to places such as Cuba and Russia. This is why more protests must be started and there must be more propoganda let out. We are going everywhere, and you might not see us in uniform. We don't always dress up like bagels. Sometimes to fool our enemies we mat even dress up as doughnuts or flashlights, but you will always be able to tell a bagelist spy from a doughnutist, if you truly believe in Royal Bagel. Royal Bagel is as real as real can be. And so is the Arch Doughnut. Santa Claus, in fact, was based off of a story of flashlights, doughnuts, and bagels.
And after I tell you this story you will never look at bagels, doughnuts, or flashlights the same way again, I can sincerely promise that to you and give you a 100% money back garuntee. Here we go.
One day, a big doughnut from way up north wanted to spread doughnut propoganda. He knew all about flashlights, so he started flying up in a sleigh, with a bunch of doughnuts, which is why there are reindeers now, and Rudolph's red nose, a flashlight which wouldn't fit in the bag tapes to his nose. A red light flashlight. He began to drop flashlights in. But this would not last long. Legit Bagel had a special operations team move in, thousands upon thousands of elite trained bagels ready for this war. They secretly took all the flashlights out, and put tons of coal in. In style. This is where the coal comes from now. And, jusat to infuriate Arch Doughnut more, every time despite Santa's best efforts flashlights were traded in with bagels and toys. This way, propoganda would never reach anyone's house. This is why almost no one gets flashlight presents, because of the elite team of Legit Bagel. And ther elves are all lesser doughnuts to Santa, who is one of the highest officers of doughnutism. This is why, it is very nice to just, in memory of a Legit Bagel special operations soldier, eat a bagel or two. And burn doughnuts in the fire. It makes Arch Doughnut cry when you do that.
Flashlights are a symbol of doughnuts. And this is why, now that you have proabbly become a bagelist, you are against flashlights. This is good, and one of the best ways you can show that you love bagels is to destroy flashlights and to protest them where you see them. You should also protest Santa and tell him that Legit Bagel is gonna get the doughnut propoganda flashlights again this year. Those mall Santas are also associated with them, but nobody stands a chance against Legit Bagel.
legit bagel gets all the lady bagels |